Thanksgiving Weekend

Thanksgiving. Not the only time during the year we give thanks, I hope, but one that's easy to remember (so we thank at least once a year).

What I'm grateful for:

• the chances and opportunities that I have been given
• UCCE - the people I've gotten to meet and work with
  
• BareStage - my first love at Berkeley, my first good friends, my first involved extracurricular activity
  
• Women's Chorale - so I'm not REALLY singing this semester, but I love the organization and the director and what it tries to do, I hope next semester works out better for everybody
  
• attending UC Berkeley - a fine institution, even if I'm getting out early
  
• living an hour away from home - even though I don't make it home quite as much as I should, it's still nice that it's close
  
• piano lessons - I wanted to quit, they wouldn't let me; they wanted me to quit, I refused; glad I stuck with it
  
• flute lessons
• instruments to play on
  
• teachers, professors, and other adults - working with these people in all sorts of different capacities gives me an experience I'm not sure I can get elsewhere
  
• good friends - even if we don't always have time, I still know who I can count on
• the people I have met and loved (I don't usually do names, on account of privacy, but I am going to use initials... ask me with questions, but I'm sure you can figure out who you are):
• k.w. - gone are the days of hours of endless conversation, or silence, depending on the day, and I'll never forget the tumultuous days of our friendship. instead, though, now we have something great that has finally calmed down. for all the times I called you in tears, for all the times I called you in anger, for all the times I called you for directions, for all the times I called "just to say hi", thank you.
  
• i.f. - it's been a long time? foothill, redwood, saratoga... I can always count on you to provide me with a social life whenever we're home, the alternation of the fondue set, for being the friend who says "no more drama. but if there is, I have to be the first to know!" so I suppose I should apologize for having almost no drama recently, but maybe it's time for a break.
• s.b. - do I need to say more? you've met my friends, and you know you've been a good thing in my life. sometimes, life is mundane, and walking five minutes is all we have, and other times, we go on like the day will never end. I'm fortunate to have any of it at all, and simply really blessed to have all of it, as I do. I hope you can always tell how much I cherish what we have, because you deserve to know every day.
  
• and so many many more. little tidbits will come as life goes on, there is no order, there is no reason, only the fact that if I wrote everybody today, I'll never finish, but just so you know it's coming: sl, th, jc, ps, ek, ep, ek, ak, ac, dz, tl, mf, ay, gw, jj, jl, and the list goes on.
  

Onto the more mundane facts of life:

• Wednesday
• went home super super late
• somebody was cool enough to come get me
• though I did smell weed throughout my wait at the beautiful fremont bart station
• I finished a book! (Singing with the Top Down)
• Thursday
• ate the big feast with the family friends
• everybody's growing up!
• went to bed around 9pm
• Friday
• COSTCO
  
• picked him up from BART
• looked at the house
• walked around downtown, foothill elementary, saratoga high
• FONDUE
• Saturday
  
• saratoga bagels
• dim sum
• farmer's market
• dropped him and my sister off
• home for a bit
• airport with dad
• to berkeley
• Sunday
• stayed in all day on account of the rain

And that was the weekend.

Life is a Game

Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you don't play, you can't win.
- Robert Heinlein

Gotta play the game and give it at least one shot. It might not be the shot you practiced for all year, you may not have practiced it ever, but if you don't throw the damn ball, it will never go anywhere.

My biggest fear is getting too attached. And honestly? It's too late for that anyhow. But what's the point anyhow? To be morbid, I'm going to DIE sooner or later, and I'll have to leave everything I love. But does that mean I'm going to stop loving because I might one day not have it? Not chance.

Most things in the world are finite. Love isn't. And I will continue to pour it into everything I can.

Questions, Happily Ever After

Questions to consider:

Where do I want to live?
Options: same apt, new apt in Berkeley, home (Cupertino), close to job (biking/walking)
First Choice: something in Berkeley

What do I want to do?
Options (all dependent on GETTING the job): TFA, SF Symphony, ECYS, office work
First Choice: SF Symphony

I suppose those are the only big questions.
***************************************************************
It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.
- Margaret Bonnano

10 minute reflection on this:
"Ever after", much like "forever" and "normal", exist because they don't. I mean "ever after" and "forever" exists, but only when it happens, and by then it is now, and normal only exists because there are such extremes. You can't plan for happiness. One can make preparations, one can hope for the best, but if one lives in making these plans, one's current happiness will never be achieved. What happens six months from now is exactly that: something that happens six months from now. And that's something that cannot be controlled. What one CAN control are the choices one makes for tonight, for tomorrow, and what's the harm in making the choices that makes one happy?

Looking at the next couple months makes me so apprehensive. I don't know where I'm living, who I'm living with, what I'm doing, whether I like what I'll be doing, and many more uncertainties. But I can't worry about that. I need to focus on now: applying for the job (and worrying about it if I get it) and figuring out my options. I have no doubt that I can find a job that pays well enough to pay rent and food and little luxuries. I would love to be in Berkeley, but I'm afraid of staying for the "wrong reasons". But if it's my reason, why does it have to be wrong?

I want my parents to support what I do, where I live. I don't want them to permanently have bad feelings about where I'm living, why I didn't come home, along with other choices I make. At the same time, I feel like there are things I cannot talk to my parents about. Things they choose not to deal with, things they choose to ignore.

Really? I want to make my own choices and still be able to watch TV with my mother.

Feeling Thankful

I am lucky in so many ways. I will glory in that luckiness. Not shove-it-in-somebody-else's-face kind of glory, but in a I-appreciate-every-moment sort of glory. I will bask in the warmth of everything that is my life, that is everything that makes my life.

Day after Thanksgiving fondue. Fondue has become such a needed tradition. Just because we're in college doesn't mean we can't have fun without alcohol. Chocolate is amazing stuff. As are board games, both of our childhood and the newer games.

He's going to come visit. It's only a two days and one night. I want to show off my family, my friends, my hometown, even if I do have my issues with it.

Plan so far:
Fri: arrive, library?, downtown, dinner with the fam, fondue/games with the hs gang
Sat: farmer's market, lunch with the fam, sister to airport, dad to airport/return to berkeley

Hopefully, I'll have spent enough time with my parents to make this all okay. I'm all theirs on Thursday, so... Maybe I will be nice and stay until Sunday.

Missing everybody doesn't really hit me until I start talking to people about coming back, until I start planning for the get-togethers. Even if it seems like I'm fine not talking to everybody for such a long time, I do miss people, and count down until I go home to run into them at Safeway, at Tap-x, just driving around. It might be as much of "home" as it used to be, but it's still home. I still miss it.

This has been a good week. I've slept early, and gradually made my way over to the gym for pilates or yoga classes. I'm an hour late going to sleep, but hopefully I'll get my butt over to pilates tomorrow. ^.^

Thank you, everybody. For everything. I shall be more specific later, perhaps. For now, adieu, and good night.

-4:00 and counting

I now have -4 minutes to write this before I fall into my bed to rest in peaceful slumber.

I have realized that I talk things to death. I mean, if *I get sick of it, can you imagine everyone else? That's not to say I only worry about unimportant matters, but it does mean that I over-worry and bore everybody to death. Maybe not death, that's morbid.

I am slowly letting go of everything. The trick is to not let go until you can, and then to let it go when you can. A wonderful gal in women's chorale saved my neck by assuming my section leader duties, and the officers in UCCE are wonderful about making sure I'm not too stressed out. I need to find BareStage a new Managing Director, and encourage people run for an UCCE Officer position next year. There are girls that are ready to take on more definite positions of leadership, and that makes me happy.

I'm great at making time for other people, and until recently, have not been great at making time for myself. That, I think, is changing this semseter, for better or for worse. A friend put it very well when she said, "You have to make time to do nothing." And while I can't do that ALL of the time, it certainly doesn't hurt to do it some of the time. It's nice to just go home and relax, after getting some work done at school. It's nice to just rest with somebody at the end of the day. It's nice to settle into bed at a relatively normal hour and know that there's always tomorrow. Well, usually there's tomorrow. There's the morbidity again.

Now I'm officially really late in going to bed.

There do exist lots of things to worry about, but I will remember that at the same time, there exist a lot of things to delight in.

LIKE SLEEP. 1 hour and 10 minutes later, off I go. I'm not nearly done with all I every have to say, but if that day comes, wouldn't life be boring afterwards?

Don't take anything for granted and don't be afraid to love the silly little things.

I'll do my best.

Love the Little Things

I love:

• that people still use dictionaries, the hard ones, not the online ones
• staying in bed until 1pm (every once in a while)
• falling asleep while talking at 3am
• being able to sleep
• biking!
• watching free theater
• watching cheap theater (with a n amazing view of the orchestra)
• people coming over
• teahouse
• sleeping
• being in bed
• reading

appreciate everything

... so that's a pretty tall order, but I will try.

Things I've done recently:

• ran 2-3 miles twice
• biked to the Berkeley Marina
• watched Thank You For Smoking
• hiked at Mt. Diablo
• sat at the Berkeley Rose Garden
• made food a couple times (and the subjects are still alive!)
• started reading Chinese
• went to "sweet potatoes" with my family and our family friends (yes I realize it's sweet tomatoes, but my dad can't get it right and I think it's cute)
  

Life is good. And it's time to stop worrying and just have fun. As for next year, it seems like I will have been graduated by this time next year. If the classes really decide to be stupid, I think I'm commuting or something to finish up, unless I make enough money to live in Berkeley. Or I'll do a credentialing program of sorts. Or something.

I hope my appreciation shows through the endless teasing. I hope he knows. I hope I know. Truly know, not just "know" for the sake of knowing.

Choir's going to be wonderful, "social rehearsals" = fun stuff. Great people, fabulous friends. BareStage is kicking off on Wednesday. School's just getting started, even if it may end soon for me.

I will sleep more. Starting now. Thanks for listening.

Summer Recap

Ah. End of summer = time, yet again, for (attempting) reflection.

What I've done:

• traveled to Taiwan by myself, more or less
• went to a doctor in China
• got IV shots for the first time
• went to an acupuncturist
• "fixed" my skin problems
• limited greatly the types of food, especially meat, I can eat
• seen (and yes, this is for shock value) 4 amphitheater plays, 5 free plays, for a total of 8 plays/musicals (bigger than jesus, restoration comedy, ennio, happy end, ragtime, rent, much ado about nothing, merchant of venice)
• hung out lots with certain people
• entertained mobs of people at my gorgeous apt
• purchased $150 worth of groceries in one go, then $185 at costco. there goes working this summer
• started biking. I suppose I'm still in the process of starting, I haven't gotten very much better
• sat in the rose garden in Berkeley
• did NOT go to Oregon
• attended yoga class at ungodly hours of the morning
• worked for insane hours, not all of which was paid
• did lots of barestage work for the year
• walked in San Francisco more times than I have my entire LIFE
• walked the Golden Gate Bridge
• welcomed home a crazy friend who biked cross country
• made a website. More exciting to me than you, I'm sure

I have discovered:

• I want to go somewhere by myself. Live by myself, and travel by myself. Meeting up with friends occassionally is fine, but I want to go somewhere where I'm not living with family or friends.
• I like html/the concept of programming much more than I knew. Unfortunately, I'm trying to graduate. Fortunately, my dad has an enormous java book and I have tons of friends that program. ^.^s
• I worry about things more than I should, more than is healthy. I'm also good at talking myself into things I didn't previously believe.
• I am a workaholic. I am really bad at leaving or saying no. I do not have healthy eating habits. Nor sleeping habits, for that matter.
• I like reading. A lot. The reason I don't like reading non-fiction is because I feel like it is less okay to be disappointed; whereas, there is so much bad fiction out there that one simply cannot expect everything to be good.
• I will read almost anything. Especially if it is delivered.
• I still want to do too much. I think I frustrate people.
• I am extremely lucky: in the friends I have, the adults that I have met, the people that I work with, the family I have. There are times I doubt I am ready to leave this all behind.

What I'm not proud of:

• staying up too late
• not getting up early enough
• allowing that to be an excuse
• almost making the possibly biggest mistake of my life, thus far
• not getting as much work done
• not making it to yoga every day
• not spending more time with my cousins
• stressing myself, and by extension, others out
• talking myself into insecurities and doubts

What I AM proud of:

• freaking out less
• not going to Canada
• not eating all the food I wasn't supposed to eat
• not playing heroes v for over a week
• working
• not being a hermit for the entire summer
• shortening a five hour meeting to three (although it MAY be because I talk fast)
• keeping in touch with friends even if they weren't here
• making it home a couple times a week when my dad came/left, my cousins came/left, more important family things
• not being quite as addicted to my computer
• making an origami tesselation
• keeping my room somewhat clean
• cooking for 15 people

Thank you for a wonderful summer! Here's to a beautiful year to come.

still good

I love visitors! Especially when I have a gorgeous apartment to show off (thank you to you-know-who). Although, lots of visitors means a lot of eating out for me. I've had to throw food away because it keeps going bad. :(

In good food news, I went to Berkeley Bowl again (heaven of my life), and bought yummy blueberries. I LOVE blueberries. I also overdosed a little bit in the Walgreen dollar sale department. Oops.

Not much to say, I guess, been living the life! The retired life, as Irene would say. But yoga, books, and frisbee will keep me pretty busy. On top of seeing my friends, which doesn't seem to be happening quite as much as it should be. I sit sometimes, just looking outside and feel spoiled as heck.

I walked over to the rose garden the other day with a friend. It's amazingly gorgeous. We just walked around and sat around and spent a lazy afternoon, albeit with a lot of walking. Then I went to Zachary's with people. CRAZY. You have to WAIT for a WAIT TIME. It was ridiculous, but yummy. Last week, nine people slept at my apartment. So feel free to come visit!

I guess I'm trying not to forget how wonderful my summer is. I hope I don't ever.

Let's have fun. I'll have a bike by Thursday, and I'm looking forward to exploring Berkeley!

good times

Basically, my face is allergic to sweat or heat. Something like that. It's lame and gross. Basically, I can't run during the day anymore. Maybe I'll take up cycling, or just work harder at frisbee. Or just bringing a little spray thing with me to keep my face cool, but no running for me until I'm better. Bah. But I'm actually trying at frisbee now! Which means I'm running into people, falling down, and bruising my fingers. But I'm less scared, and am excited about actually getting better!

I might be seeing a show this weekend, it depends on who wants to go with me. ^.^ A friend from hs came up yesterday to play frisbee and to hang out, yay for good late falling-asleep convos! Another friend's coming today. My cousin came for two days, and my parents and family friends are coming up tonight.

Summer is treating me very well, come enjoy it with me!

summer bliss

Gorgeous apartment, RSF membership (free yoga classes), running in the hills, friends down the street, frisbee every night, easy job, good books, and fabulous friends. What more can I ask for?
That's right. NOTHING.

I am cooking, I am sleeping, I am reading, I am exercising, I am socializing, I am planning (but not too much), I am Living.

My skin is better, my temper is better, my health is better, and the list goes on.

My biggest problem right now is figuring out whether to put stuff on my walls or not. Life is so good.

OH. I went to the library, and I guess it doesn't open until noon, and there were 30 people standing outside waiting for it to open. Made my day. That's awsesome.

In other news, my cousin came today. In other other news, I lost a new bart ticket on the BART. :( But I read Ian McEwan's Enduring Love. It's sort of scary. Not in the horror sense, but in the people sense. One BART ride, one book. I'm liking this a lot.

So obviously, I'm not doing much this summer. So let me know when you're free and let's DO something. Tuesdays: Anna's Jazz Island Open Mike, Shattuck DownLow Karaoke. Frisbee every day. Fridays and Saturdays: Montero's $8 salsa lessons/dancing. Let's have FUN!

another update

6/4
ate lunch w/ the uncle

6/5
watched m:i:III, it was actually not awful.. i'm a little confused with the plot, but whatever
shopped at ny, ny (another mall)

6/6
went to three malls...
and bought four dvds and a cd
a deck of chinese poem playing cards
postcards

is $104 worth 20+ hours of my life? i'm thinking yes. oregon - here i come (i mentioned going to my mother, she didn't say no!)

taiwan update

Still in Taiwan's sweltering hot, humid, clutches, but I am thoroughly enjoying my time here. I've gone to the Shu-Lin night market TWICE, tons of malls, lots of street shops, and bookstores (for stationery). I haven't bought THAT many things (I don't think), but I did shop! Good thing I'm not really shopped out.

I've bought:
5 pairs of pants (390, 395, 395, 200, 200)
2 skirts (100, 200)
1 tank top (100)
1 blouse (200)
3 camisoles (99, 99, 99)
8 pairs of sockes (33, 33, 33, 20, 20, 20, 20, 20)
1 pair of shoes (190)
lots and lots of stationery (exacto knives, a present for jonjow, project case, folders, letter sets, water proof bag, bookmarks, planners, origami paper, name cards, eraser, clips, pencil, eyelash curler (not stationery, I know))

I feel very productive!

Things are clearing up on the school front, thanks to certain people at CAL. Thank goodness. I'm just waiting for the good news to roll in.

Pet peeve: annoying voices. DRIVES ME CRAZY. I'm going to try really hard to not sound annoying. Goodness.

5/27
tagged along with my dad to a meeting, then walked around in the rain

5/28
rain, rain, go away, come again (not) another day.

5/29
rain + book

5/30
picked up glasses
walked around in the rain
ate shaved ice... with ICE CREAM on top. WHAT?

5/31
walked to my other grandmother's house the LONG way. oops, but it was fun.
talked to the ancestors
shu lin night market - arcade games and lots of food

6/1
shu lin night market - again. i know i know. but i bought the five pairs of pants. ridiculous, but i needed pants!

6/2
yong-kang street and taiwan normal university night market - food food and more food, some stationery stores, and more food.

6/3
o-lai - there are hot springs up there, but we just walked around a LOT, basically hiking, but with stairs. it was gorgeous! from the outside you can't see anything, cuz they let the trees grow taller to cover the stairs. we got to the top and there was AN AMUSMENT PARK. wasn't that big, but there were rides and swimming pool and what not. CRAZY.

looking forward to going home. ^.^

All the King's Men - Robert Penn Warren

This book came highly recommended, and I have to say, I'm not disappointed in the least. We may have liked it for very different reasons (this is all speculation), but regardless, it was very well worth the last two days of my life. I've typed up 10 pages of quotes. Some of the sentences were a bit long, and probably not grammatically correct, but the lenghts he goes to describe a feeling, or a truth is incredible.

Unless it was that Lois was in love with me. I put this possibility in the list merely for logical and schematic completeness, for I am quite sure that the only things Lois knew about love was how to spell the word and how to make the physiological adjustments traditionally associated with the idea. (Jack Burden, 303)

Going through the motions doesn't make it love. Lack of a better term doesn't make it love. It either is or isn't. Or it's in the process of getting there, but it shouldn't be a conclusion derived from the lack of better conclusions. But who am I to say? What do I really know about love that nobody else does? Right. Nothing.

Moving on.

I said to somebody a while back, and it still rings true.. "I don't spend enough time with anybody to like them." Sure, I crush on my boys every now and then (or every now and always), but how much of it just fun and how much of it is real? I just want something real. It doesn't have to be a fairy tale, it doesn't have to be perfect, in fact, it shouldn't be. But it should be sincere, and something well worth my time. I invest my time so poorly that I don't think I can or want to afford making a mistake in this arena. Hence, I run away, I don't return phone calls, I quit before I can make a wrong move. I'll never win a game a chess if I refuse to play. I'll never lose, true, but can my goal really be to merely not lose?

Not that life is about winning or losing. I'm just saying that I can't expect anything to work out if I never let it get past the gates. I do such a good job of protecting my feelings that I sometimes feel like I sabatoge myself so that somebody else deson't get to.

I didn't used to be so insecure. I put up a good front (I like to believe), but I worry and stress over the stupidest things! I don't say ANYTHING and I make people guess. I make them talk and I make them decide. Then my job is easy, I say yes or no. I gauge how sincere I think they are by what they say, and then basically pass judgement. But even then I don't really decide. I pretty much go with whatever THEY decide. Which is my choice. I don't want to choose. I carefully relieve myself of all decision-making. My only choice is to go with their choice.

It always ends up being "we'll see." Which is fair, but "we'll see" usually translates into we stop talking. Either by my avoidance or by circumstance. I just want to stop freaking out about whether to worry about whether they do this or that.

Leaving the country probably doesn't help matters. I just hope they make up their minds, so I won't have to. Of course I have an opinion, I'll just never admit to them. Or maybe I never admit to them because I can't commit to an opinion. Either way, things will be fine. All these boats will end up on the same shore, only the journey will differ.

AHHH. I have all these little systems in my head that I have to follow. They're stupid systems and stupid rules, but I follow them regardless.

Everything will always work out, but doesn't that make it harder to choose?

sd tour, taiwan "rehab"

::shh:: don't tell anybody, but I was sort of dreading tour. With all the last minute changes, cancelled gigs, I just didn't want to be there.

Note on tour committee: It's not anybody's fault that everything didn't happen smoothly. I experimented with not hand holding (message boards and emails), but the fact is that everybody's too busy to take initiative and just do things. I really couldn't afford to have meetings where I read them my emails to them. Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't have chaired the committee this year. Everything went fine, everything always will, but there are so many things that could have been better.

Thank goodness for certain people (not even on tour committee!) who just helped me out a lot. Tour was successful, people had fun (I hope), and everybody's back safely.

Thank goodness for facebook and facebook whores. Now I can't forget anything that happened!

I could have slept a little more, but then again, I can always sleep a little more (except for now). Hopefully it will be worth it. Regardless, no regrets!

So my sleeping log in Taiwan:
12 hours on the plane
7 hours from 10:30pm to 5:30am
7 hours from 5:30am to 12:30pm (it was raining so we couldn't go to the market.. :( )
7 hours from 7:30 pm to 2:30am
7 hours from 3pm to 10pm, then insominiac-ish sleep from 10pm to 5am.

I think I need 7 hours to feel rested. I think I am all caught up on sleep. YES.

Unfortunately, I feel shopped out. It's my third day here, and I feel like I'm done with shopping. Maybe I'll go visit my other family in Taipei. I just don't have anything to say, really. I'm quite happy with my computer and my book (which I'm going to finish probably this morning).

back to book!

quick update...

... while I hog the computer at the China Airlines lounge at SFO. (and finish this in taiwan...)

Of all the things that are cool, but useless. ::sigh::

Chorale Tour 06
San Diego, May 21-24

Day 1:

• left at 7 to get to berkeley by 9
• printed last-minute maps, made copies, ran to jamba (can you say ADDICTION?)
• drove to north hollywood for the noho arts festival (... reminded so much of all you stanford kids)
• drove to monterey park to pick somebody up
• drove back to north hollywood, ate at pitfire pizza yum!
  
• planned the rest of tour
• slept, or didn't sleep, rather, at good nite inn - sea world

Day 2:

• breakfast at denny's!
  
• rehearsed
• sauntered around old town
• sang at horton plaza (with its weird sloping levels)
• ate at seaport village
• DENNY'S, visit #2, i believe

Day 3:

• rehearsed
• ZOO! we almost didn't go, but it was definitely worth it. unfortunately, the tiger was gone. fortunately, the pandas, koalas, monkeys, birds, rhinos, hippos, and all the people were.
  
• some little kid was pushing his own stroller bawling his eyes out, sees me, hits me a couple of times, and then keeps walking to his daddy. JUST BECAUSE I'M ASIAN! well, that's what I'm guessing...
  
• sang at ucsd on the avenue with the beat-uh (that joke got so old so fast), they sang a lot of decadence songs, but they were fun
• signed somebody's bathroom!
  
• saw forbidden broadway at the theater in old town, they spoofed so many musicals! and and and i could see the pianist (his hands anyway) and i gushed a LOT about it... people now think i'm lame
• rode to ucsd to pick people up, dragged somebody with me (wasn't serious.. i promise!)

Day 4

• rode to Sherman Oaks to sing - beautiful mall
• dropped people off in pleasanton
• went HOME

and that was SD.

5/25

• early berk trip
• crammed to finish stuff
• hurt my hand
• cleaned my apartment
• went home late
• ate dinner
• super-packed
• watched band concert
• finished packing
• ate cake (for an early birthday... SUPER early)
• went to the airport

5/26

• slept for almost all 12:40 hours on the plane. YES
• bused to grandparent's house
• went to the market, ordered glasses (dark red frames!), got a haircut, shopped (shirt and a skirt for around $3.22 each, a skirt for $6.45, and ORANGE SHOES (well, tan and orange) for $6.13)
• ate rice-dumplings-wrapped-in-lotus-leaves (who said chinese wasn't efficient.. two syllables!)
• bought running shoes
• visited my other grandmother and family
• ate a LOT of food... oops
• ate cake, and celebrated the multiple birthdays that are in june (consecutively, no less)

and i am ACTUALLY going to post this today, because otherwise this is LAME.

note: to anybody who cares... update means quick run-through of what i did. anything "meaningful" will be under a different heading.

packing..

on my mind:

• blackened catfish with chili lime butter (spenger's and caffe giovanni) ... mmmmm
• la note salmon
• storming la note with 22 people
• graduation of a wonderful friend
• rain! in may.
  
• trying eggplant and american scrambled eggs
• home cooking
• sister cooking with WINE?
• orange!
• water bottle... coolness
• hanging out with friends
• crashing rehearsals
• running rehearsals when the director forgets but is down the hall but nobody thought to check
• buying used books
• getting used books free because there's mold inside
• origami
• shows
• da vinci code! with a friend and her friend (expanding my social circle?? see what procrastination does?)
• killing time on shockwave.com
• keeling over in laughter because a friend "thought my roommate and i were lovers" and nobody getting it because everyone missed his hand signals
• sleeping. in my BED. amazing.
  
• nice professors/gsi's who are concerned for me
• everybody who is concerned for me
• excitement about the summer and my one month of driving... monterey, santa cruz, sunnyvale, palo alto, home, HERE I COME
• sd, taiwan/china/hong kong, and maybe sd again.
  
• figuring out my life. to graduate early or on time? ed minor or just credential?

Gratitude to everything and everybody. No, that doesn't cheapen anything! For all you have done, for all you will do, I thank you. If I can ever be of service, do not hesitate to call.

Love may not be the answer, but it's a pretty good guess until you find it.

oh procrastination...

note to self:
be more positive (notice how i didn't say be less negative... ^.^)
*************
so somebody said "yeah... i figured i spent ten minutes to take it, so i might as well post it... even though it's not worth posting. (sunk cost anyone?)"

but somebody else said "dude / this has wasted so much of my time / im taking it"

*this: talking to me about my results

trait snapshot...

... surprisingly negative.

trait snapshot:
introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 40% Stability |||||||||| 40% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56% Interdependence |||||||||||| 50% Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56% Mystical |||| 16% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious || 10% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||| 23% Narcissism |||||||||||| 43% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43% Work ethic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Self absorbed |||||| 30% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||| 56% Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56% Romantic |||||||||| 36% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 56% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||||||||| 50% Change averse |||||||||||| 43% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50% Individuality |||||||||||| 50% Sexuality |||||| 30% Peter pan complex |||||| 23% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44% Histrionic |||||||||| 36% Paranoia |||||||||||| 43% Vanity |||| 16% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43% Female cliche |||||||||||| 43%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

wow...

I should feel like a failure, but I don't. I suppose that's a good thing. It's a bit sad, but whatever. On the other hand, it's kind of like not getting called back: there is some sort of justice in the world. It's good to know I'm not above that. It's good to know that I know and am okay with that.

online screening, horoscope, dinner

fabulous. online screenings think I'm depressed and have general anxiety. Just. Fabulous.

My horoscope today: You may feel as if you have too much work to do today. Although it would be easier if others helped you out a bit, you may be afraid to tell them that you're in over your head. Don't pretend that you have it all together if you really don't. You'll be better off in the long run by showing your vulnerability.

I think I've been in denial a little too long. I don't have to broadcast it to the world, though, right? Just be willing to admit it?

Dinner on 5/18. La Note. 2337 Shattuck. 6:30. BE THERE.

others' words.

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.
- Margaret Bonnano

"[insert cool person's name] I missed you guys this year" - me to said cool person
"I know." - cool person.

::sigh::

pride

I've never thought of myself as a prideful person. Since March, I have learned that I am. My problems (if they're even really that) escalate the more in denial I get about it. I just want the semester to be over. I could care less if I fail a class. I took these classes because they are interesting. If I didn't learn enough to pass, I should care enough to take them again.

My headache needs to take a vacation, and I need to write these papers. People are so nice when you just put in a little effort. I don't deserve this (kindness of so many people).

I sound like such an angsty college kid... "What happened?" "I used to be such a good student." ::whine::

I am grateful for everything. I had a bad two months, and I am finally dealing with the consequences.

I would've withdrawn from the semester, but then they'll make me take a semseter off, and then I can't be in UCCE. So I didn't withdraw. I will probably not pass my language class and fail a music class. BEAUTIFUL. My parents don't know. They're probably going to flip. But I'm also probably quitting my job (if I have any choice of my successor, then I will... if it'll allow him to stay here). I think I'm quitting band.

Maybe I'm a wimp, maybe I'm a loser. But my life isn't so bad, I am just biased, and think my life is worse than it is. I don't want to believe blindly that everything is beautiful. But I don't have to. I know. The extreme generosity of most of my teachers, the love of my friends, the community of music.

I'm sorry for being difficult, I'm sorry for whining, I'm sorry for not being together.

This summer, I will build good habits. I read somewhere that motivation is much harder to come by than discipline. I will learn to need eight hours of sleep, to need to run every day, to need to eat two real meals a day, to need to eat home-cooked food, to need a HEALTHY and BALANCED lifestyle. Then when I add in school and ucce, I won't die.

I'm not sure what I hate more, knowing that people know I'm not handling it, or having people think that I'm handling it when I'm not. I feel like such a cheat and liar every time somebody says, "I don't know how you handle everything." The best that I can do is to try to convince people not to follow my path. I am just a crazy little girl with too much love for too many things.

I will stop exuding stressed signals. I HATE it when other people do that. I've become so self-conscious about it.

I need to stop randomly spasming. To stop rambling. To just get it together. Honestly. I have food, shelter and love. There is no reason but for myself I am not succeeding, or at least getting by.

SMAy day tomorrow. FUN. Then senior send-off, where I'm going to try not to cry. If they're done, they're done. And I do send them with all my blessing and love, I just need to not be selfish about it (at least in public).

Not being able to privatize is a big reason I switched to blogger. I am not ashamed of what I think, of what I am. If you think I have room to improve, I'm glad. We agree.

I do love. I just need to remember to show it.

The more entrenched I am with this organization, the more scared I am for the day I leave. I still want to graduate early. I might. I need to get out of here.

I can't believe how this semester is turning out. I suppose it's the wake-up call I've been needing.

If I choose not to deal with the world, does it still exist? If I stay under covers, will life go on? If I stay there long enough, will I care?

banquet

Goals:

• learn to say no
• be okay with life
• let go

When did I get so insecure?

Banquet was beautiful. I didn't think it'd be so hard to see people in that context for the last time. I don't really mean to make people stay past their time.

I just feel like I'm grabbing at balloons that are quickly rising upwards, and once again, I'm just too short to reach them, even as I jump towards the sky.

a response:
just so you know. you don't jump to grab the balloons that are quickly rising upwards. you convince the balloons the trip is more worthwhile when you're around and have them fall down to the land before rising upward again.

performing vs. teching

"You're the only person I know who performs to tech."

HAHA so true.

who am I kidding?

I love this shit. ALL of it. I love being there all the time, I love watching the show and feeling productive and helpful, I love sitting in the back corner, I love being useful.

I do not, however, love sucking in school, love insomnia, love slacking in school, love my sugar addiction, love the frustration that sometimes comes with doing these things, love the expectations that I sometimes think people have of me, love the disappointment when I don't deliver.

I appreciate the times people thank me, but really? I love sometimes, knowing that I made a difference in a way nobody but me really knows about. Because that difference is there. And the show would've been different without it. Maybe it wouldn't have been better or worse, but it would have been different.

It's kind of like writing in the sand. The wind may blow and nobody can see what you wrote, but the sands are in a different order, now that you've written in it. It doesn't matter that to the passerby, nothing would seem different. You would know, the sand would know, the wind that blew it over would know, and that is enough.

hmmm awkward!

Note to self: make LOTS of noise coming in the door, and never assume people are alone. And don't talk about it until you've heard the door CLOSE. Much love. Everything's fine, just don't lie to me. And don't say you haven't because you have. And while I can understand why you may have lied, it's unnecessary. The only thing that I am upset about is the fact that it appears you feel like you can't be honest with me, and that may be for a variety of reasons. Enjoy the soup, get better soon!

(I suppose that wasn't really a note to self, per se, but you get the picture.)

it's not my job...

to tech CRH
to make our masking and lights available to all who want to use it
to go to emeryville and get techinical parts that i don't really understand
to spend the next four days of my life there so other people can use and probably ruin our stuff

next year, they are going to pay us to staff CRH to use our stuff. period. i don't care what the beureaucratic powers say. they will pay barestage like the pay the cashiers to work their shows because it's our stuff they're using and our time they're taking.

grrrrrrrrr

searching...

Oh where oh where has my motivation gone,
oh where oh where can it be?

If every action/thing has an opposite, does that mean I have to hate as much as I love? I hope not, cuz that's a depressing thought.

Council tonight: Mr. Bass is presenting his legislation. Biggest problem I can forsee next year: conflict of interests up the wazoo. Not even CONFLICT necessarily, just an abundance of interests. I hope it doesn't become a problem.

Silly boast of the day: I'm getting a sliding-up phone! I'm going to be so cool.

I just want everybody to be happy. Maximum utility. Goal: to enjoy my life, and to hopefully help somebody enjoy theirs.

whew..

.. at least that's over. Not looking forward the drama that promises to come.

to school, then maybe coffee?? as I ACTUALLY WORK on long list of things to do.

choices, choices...

.. .we make them everyday.

I can't write my essays, but I can plan tour in an evening. Thank you Krystin and Kealie for actually doing stuff. I tried to get away with not doing meetings this year. Doesn't work. People don't do shit unless you're on their ass about it all the time. Whatever, it'll happen, it'll be fine.

27 people signed up so far. Tour will be fabulous, and cheaper than last year. San Diego, here we come.

Haven't gotten results yet. Heard they've been counted, so maybe tomorrow? We'll see.

Still haven't gotten to my band director yet about conducting. Only a little bit scared.

I'm so glad I'm friends with certain people. Really does make my life. I hope they know.

Maybe I will do audition #2 this year. Here's to that.

Sometimes I think my choir director trusts me too much. And then he says stuff like "Ask Sue-Ting, maybe she can find you a bongo." Or "now that we have a lightboard, we can have blackouts." Fabulous. Time to learn how to use the darn thing.

Must buy paint. Tomorrow.

Need to stop doing everything for everything except for my classes. I can't wait until I get out of here. I really should just go into event planning with a specialization in arts events.

I should write my papers. I should learn how to write papers, then maybe I'll suck less at it.

I need to run.

I'm so excited about next year. I'm living with an adorable person, two hs friends are going to be two doors down, and another friend is possibly subletting there for a semester.

I'm so excited about this summer. Just working and doing nothing. Origami, books, friends, here I come.

Attempt # 1 at sleep. Wish me luck.

maybe..

... I am more insecure than I thought.

Maybe I am sort of sadistic, but sometimes being rejected from something gives me a little bit of hope about the world. It would have been so easy for them to have called me back just so I would've felt better, but they didn't. And I appreciate that more than they probably know. I love really knowing that I can keep the two spheres separate: the me that house-manages and supports because I love what they do and the me that auditions on a whim because it might be cool join their group. I just feel that people still do have standards and that just because I do administrative things to help doesn't mean they give me a pity call back. I'm actually not bitter/sad at all, which I suppose is what surprises me most.

I think I keep my work life pretty separate from my personal life, and I feel most people are mature enough to allow me to do this. For that I am grateful.

I'm not sure what I'd do without BareStage, theater, Women's Chorale, Noteworthy, Men's Chorale and all the people involved in it. Even if some things about each bug me, at the end of the day, it's my biggest (and sometimes only) reason for leaving my house every morning.

The "good" list:

• three hour conversations sitting outside, getting rained on, taking book recommendations, just talking
• rehearsing songs we don't know and deciphering a conductor's scribblings
• other people making executive decisions that trump everything else I've been told
• silly conversations online
• law and order
• knowing, just knowing, that somebody doesn't hate you
• cooking at 1am
• loving others unconditionally
• playing piano with a certain amazing director
• folding origami
• sober corner
• living arrangements for next year!!

Here's to too little sleep!

creepy

... "I got your address from the phone book at the library..."

I'm updating my google calendar and I hear THAT (see above). CREEPY. That's Me Trying by William Shanter.

I am such a google calendar whore. SERIOUSLY. I've just spent a ridiculous amount of time making calendars (for ucce, for barestage, for me). This almost measures up to the Berkeley Bowl love. Or perhaps I am fickle.

every day...

I say tomorrow will be different. But my project is unprogressing, my research untouched. But I did reach my goal of getting up this morning. Maybe tomorrow I will get up and do something productive. One small goal at a time, maybe it'll be reachable this way.

I need to decide if I'm going to be self-conscious about my singing or not. I should just audition, I know all the people... does that make it better or worse. I want to be better more than I want to get in, so hopefully they'll understand that.

People think I'm silly this, determine for yourself: I'd rather not do PJC because I'm not good enough, than to not do it because I chickened out and didn't audition. Is that weird? Is it masochistic to want to be rejected?

I'm fairly sure I understand the situation now. I just wish everything could be validated and we can all move on. I do love them all though. Somebody asked, "Do you still like him?" My response, "It's irrelevant, isn't it?" It doesn't matter if I do or don't. I can't, and therefore, won't. It's just a matter of time before I get there. Where do we draw the line anyhow between caring about people and liking them, anyhow? Does it matter if they can or if they like you? Shouldn't it be outside of that completely. But if it is, then what keeps people from being hopelessly in love with certain people, or does our practicality kick in to stop us from wasting our time? Oh, and don't say "He just likes you." [insert pause] "Not like THAT." Scary-ness.

In the good news department, I think I'm caught up in karma. Thank goodness.

College is such a precious time bubble. I hope I allow myself to enjoy it while it lasts.

Sleep. Wake and embark on the adventure that is tomorrow.

goals..

I need to fix this now.

Apparantly it's easier to be disciplined than motivated. I WILL get up and go to class tomorrow, regardless of whether I feel like it or not, regardless of whether I'm awake enough or not. I WILL be there.

a jumble of thoughts

The only thing that will make me stop doing what I do is something I don't have enough time to pursue (precisely because I'm doing what I do). A Catch-22 like none other.

Side note: I fell silly using that phrase when I haven't read the book. I'll add that to the must read list.

Currently reading: Troubled Sleep, by Jean-Paul Sarte
Currently listening: From the Bottom of My Broken Heart, Britney Spears (pandora.com)

I hate making campaign speeches. They make me feel like I'm in middle school. Everybody is qualified.

I just had the most depressing conversation ever. I don't really know what to do about it. I don't hate you at ALL. I love you and am just concerned and worried now. I hope everything works out.

I don't judge.

Really. I may not sympathize if the only reason you're suffering is your own fault, I still feel bad.

Note to self: don't volunteer to do other people's jobs especially if it's going to be in the morning. Don't be late when working with certain people, cuz they're never late and then they make you feel bad. Not because they try to make you feel bad, but because you do. When you know somebody is right, at least on some level, it's so easy to take things personally, and I don't think I normally take things personally, but it's been bugging me. It's ridiculous. I don't really mind talking to people when they're buzzed, but drunk? I just worry. And then I'm afraid they're going to fall over. I feel bad for leaving Sarah to take care of everybody, but I really needed to sleep. Which I did. TEN HOURS. It was amazing. But I'm still tired. Now I'm just sort of spewing. Okay. I'm done.

ALUMNI CONCERT TONIGHT! Mark and Bill are singing a duet. It will be fabulous.

honestly?

don't talk to me when you're drunk. Or if you do, stop when I ask you to. I don't want your hands on my face telling me I'm a wonderful person. I don't need or want that. My sense of self isn't that non-existant. Don't tell me what I want or what I deserve. I thank you for your confirmation, but you're not granting me anything because it's not yours to grant. I do not want your pity. I'm more concerned that you're [edit: being unclear] to me than you don't reciprocate. Come on now. I can handle more than that. that

and... different person, in case you're keeping track. I think that was a fairly low blow. In case you wanted to know what I thought.

perfect.

just perfect.

Three more shows and my wrist is not a happy camper already.

Maybe if I tell enough people, it'll become real. I am going to write this paper even though I don't really know how to. It will be decent. I am going to eat food and probably not sleep tonight. I will have fun tomorrow.

Here goes.

I will...

... be more productive tomorrow.

But, given today, that should be easy enough. I'm sorry I'm not handling everything well right now. I will do better. That's the best I can do. I can't promise to care, but I do promise to care more.

My mother and sister are coming up on Saturday. Oh CAL Day. Two tables. Two shows. Another show to worry about, which I am hopefully sending my sister to. An after-party to maybe crash. We'll see about that. At least I can drag my wonderful roommie.

There will be a forthcoming entry on my wonderful roommate who pretty much saves my life every day. When she doesn't save it, she just makes it infinitely better.

I can see the tribute entries coming.

HAHA who does this remind you of: what is the color when black is burned? what is the color?

if only...

I had papers more often. I'd COOK. Time to start working. (::snickers in background::)

I'm done being lame now. REALLY. Two hours of it yesterday was plenty of lame-ness for me.

Paper paper paper.

Wow. I'm already counting down the minutes until I take a break and go on a sugar overload from 7-11.

Sadness.

if I sleep tonight...

... I'm going to kick myself. Hard. In the shins. (oh wait... that's a line from Melissa's play)

I need to stop writing nonsense. Or maybe I will, just because I can.

everything...

... will be okay. As it always has been, as it always is, as it always will be.

Please don't feel bad. Don't go out of your way to spare my feelings. I'm a big girl, and de-sensitized at that, so what I can't deal with, I'll block and life will be good. But in all honesty, I am fine. I feel sort of silly, but that's about it. And I feel silly every day anyways. I have no doubt that everything will be fine. If I am retarded and make things awkward just to make a scene, call me out on it, I'll feel stupid, and we can be friends again. Don't let me get away with being a retard.

Thank you.

post from yesterday.. w/ more from now

In spite of everything, I'm glad I didn't make the wrong choices earlier. True, I could have been a little nicer, a little more considerate, but at least I didn't choose incorrectly.

But then again, is there ever really a wrong answer?
*****************
I used to hate writing, hate putting my thoughts in a public place. I'm much more okay with it now, but then I feel like I'm wasting people's time. If you don't want to read, don't read. I promise to not get offended if you don't read every word. I feel silly that I have to put this disclaimer on, but this is mine and you are being allowed to read it. That said, please send all opinions/comments my way. If you have a suggestion, a solution to my problems let me know. Let me know that I'm stupid, silly. If I minded you reading any of this, it wouldn't be here. I think I'm finished.
****************
Goal:
~ to be a better person
~ call him... goodness. stop procrastinating, me
~ to seem less stressed out
~ includes BEING less stressed out
~ sleep
~ hopefully without the need to be absolutely exhausted
~ sleeping pills? benadryl? maybe. maybe not.
~ to eat better
~ cook the vegetables I bought
~ spend less money
~ eat healthier
~ to be nicer
~ to be honest to myself and others
~ to be less irritable and more pleasant to be with
~ to talk slower
~ to remember to breathe
~ to read more
~ to regain my happy outlook on life.

i am...

(this is not one of my better more coherent entries. read at your own risk)

... going to be positive. [edit: HA. That didn't work.]

Reading through old entries is quite the experience. I dislike using names, so I had a hard time remembering who I was talking about. I suppose it's a good thing that I can't really who I was talking about in some entries. If somebody showed me one of my old entries, I probably wouldn't recognize it.

"Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, 'cause I might do something crazy like believe it." - 3/11/04

The optimistic residue of high school needs to wash off real fast. I just need to believe that it will not work out anyways so I stop wondering about it.

Shaking is bad.

I'm good at self-sabotage, let's just get it over with.

If I didn't think I know what the reaction will be, I'd just do it in a heartbeat. But I don't want to hear "aww... I'm sorry" and have an awkward hugging moment. That's exactly what would happen and I'm more scared of that than I am of actually being rejected. Hell, I'm basically asking to be rejected right now. I didn't realize how needy I was getting. I pretty much can't do anything else. I freak out about it, then I freak out about freaking out about it. Then it gets stupid, and then I obsess about how stupid it is.

I just want it to be over.

I'm sorry this entry was so lame.

ignore please

I know I'm a bad person sometimes. I used to think that at least it is better than not knowing. While it's still better than, it's not really good enough. Making things more complicated never really helped anyone but driving yourself crazy seems almost less helpful. Am I selfish in that I'm not willing to go crazy for everybody else's sake? Why do people do things they don't mean? I don't exclude myself from this category of "people". I've definitely done it. I'm not proud of it, but I refuse to decieve myself about it. I just want to know one way or another. At this point, I don't even really care what it is, I just want to stop guessing. I always think that "well, if they knew then they wouldn't do [insert bad choices here]." Past experience has proven otherwise. I hate when other people guess at my feelings, why can't I just do what I make everybody else do? I don't want to lose people just because I can't handle it. Just like I don't wnat to drop anything because I can't handle it. I can totally handle it. Maybe it's self-deception. But then again, I've gotten quite good at it.

cynicism...

... is pouring out of my ears.

You can't be dating the wrong person if you're not dating anybody at all. You also can't be dating the right person. But at least you're not dating the wrong one.

nathan's song...

... that he probably hates now because I messed with it.
*************************************
And I count to, one two three,
Then I slowly turn around to
See if you're still next to me.

If you are then I wonder
silently to myself if
you really want to be here.

Cuz we do things we mean to
we do things we don't
How can I tell if you do or you don't.

You say one but then you
act the other way.
But then do I do the same thing to you?

Then I wait, one two three,
wait to see if you'll begin to
tell me exactly what you need.

But if you asked me to
answer my own questions to
you I don't know that I can.

Cuz we do things we mean to
we do things we don't
How can I tell if you do or you don't.

You say one but then you
act the other way.
But then do I do the same thing to you?

You say this you mean that
Do you expect me to tell
between real and make believe.

Cuz we do things we mean to
we do things we don't
How can I tell if you do or you don't.

You say one but then you
act the other way.
But then do I do the same thing to you?

(optional happy ending)
I count to, one two three
then I slowly open my eyes
to see you here with me.
******************************
My first attempt at lyrics. Because I forgot to chorus I had to make that up. I'm not sure how the bridge goes yet. This is probably awful, but that's okay. I am okay with not being perfect. Can't really believe I'm putting this up, but since I don't think anybody reads it, I'm still pretty safe.

is indifference...

... really worse than either extreme?

So I went to see a counselor, because the Tang Center told me to. His suggestion: "Relax." Wow. Really?

I think I'm relaxed. Maybe I'm just as good at self-deception as I'm good at self-sabotage.

I have been sleeping better for the last two days. Knock on wood. I've also been seeing the same two people for the past five days. It's amazing what you do/don't make time for. Maybe it makes me a bad person. But being able to lounge at three am and have it just be comfortable is nice. Maybe it's nice because there are no strings attached, no awkward conversations. Can I be content without making things more difficult?

I should call somebody back. But I feel like I can't have that conversation without being defensive to start with. And it's not as if they are making me defensive. It's the guilty-conscience syndrome.

On the couch, I attempt to sleep, again. We'll see how this goes.

I just want to be okay. I don't think I deserve to have a completely shitty life nor do I feel entitled to have a fabulous one.

Sorry for the incoherency. It's my life.

spring break...

was amazing! one more real day. :(

Day 5
slept in the wee hours, after it was light (probably a bad idea, but it was a good feeling... to be up because i wanted to be)
got up "at 9" to go hang out in bostonate leftover catfish (such a legit breakfast)
met some of irene's friends
drank a smoothie (thanks jonathan!)
hung out with jessica
toured mit
toured boston
ate dinner at quincey market
bought pastries at mike's pastries
hung out at random
watched simpsons, csi, law and order (and probably pissed off phil's housemate... sorry!)
hung out with chris yang
sent jessica kuo home (thanks thomas!)
saw her gorgeous dorm
went back to burton-conner
went to random (sorry irene)
back to burton-conner
passed out

I don't think I've thoroughly enjoyed myself quite this much in a while. The east coast has MUCH better weather than here, unfortunately. A whirlwind "college tour" after a year and a half of college came at the right time. Thanks everyone for making it what it was.

Here's to the rest of spring break! (all one more day of it)

hanging out with friends...

can be a very good thing.

Thanks Irene, for putting up with my indecision and my annoying habits (and for talking to me on long bus rides, waking me up when I'm sleeping inappropriately, and letting me stay with you) (and for everything else as well).

Thanks Jess, for letting us crash at your place, for showing us around Yale, for playing your viola so gorgeously. Yale is amazing, both in what they offer and the physical beauty of the place.

Thanks Chris, for "showing us NY", for making fun of me, for letting me make fun of you.

Thanks Alex, for letting us crash your place, for letting us in when you had a paper to write, for giving us suggestions for what to do in NYC.

Thanks Caryn, for getting up super early to meet us in Chinatown, for (kinda) getting us to the dim sum place, for calling your family about five times to get us where we needed to be.

I hope I never win an award. My thank you list would be enormous. No worries, though, hopefully, but the end of everything, I will have thanked everyone I need to thank. This was just from the first four days of spring break.
********************************************************
Day 1: SFO-BOS
got up super early to go to the airport
slept and woke up in boston
irene and phil came to get me from the airport. thanks!
dropped stuff off at random
ate dinner at picante

Day 2: Boston - New Haven
got up kinda early
took the bus to new haven (greyhound needs to sync their online stuff and their ACTUAL schedules... we bought a non-existant ticket online and then they made us buy another one because their systems are messed up. remind me to call them to get a refund.)
met up with jess in new haven
walked around with her parents and her
took naps (intermittently throughout my entire trip)
planned our nyc trip
saw jess's concert! she was amazing
ate ice cream at Ashley's (chocolate oreo and heath bar)
conked out

Day 3: New Haven - New York City
ate breakfast at a cafe/bookstore. gotta love those
walked around yale (beautiful school. and a carillon at the corner of branford!)
took train to nyc
ate ghetto lunch in front of the ny public library
strolled along 5th ave to moma (decided we weren't dressed for Saks so we moved on)
admired lots of art
met up with chris at central park
walked lesiurely around the park (more like killing time and being indecisive)
ate dinner at kenka for some cheap japanese food (grilled salted salmon)
went to a ukranian bar (with some interesting conversation with chris's friend rachel)
found the subway station
took the subway to columbia
made alex come find us
quick-toured columbia
crashed at alex's (two-story suites. not a bad deal, i like the set-up a lot. kitchen/eating space/living room up top, rooms and bathroom on the bottom

Day 4: New York City - Boston
walked around columbia
ate breakfast at hudson? river
subway-ed to chinatown (and didn't get lost)
bought cheap clip-watch
took the "scenic route" to dim sum go go
ate yummy food
bought egg custard tarts
found chinatown bus
napped on bus (that didn't burn up)
ate dinner at border's cafe in harvard square (yum mango salsa with lots of catfish)
quick-toured harvard in the dark
bought an origami and killer sudoku book at the harvard bookstore (can you say addiction?)
visited wilg (women's independent living group - irene's new home next year)
ate ice cream at toscanini's (coffe ice cream sandwich and grasshopper)
back to burton-conner (irene's dorm) to organize email and catch up

One more day, then back to Saratoga. I want to see EVERYBODY and enjoy my last three days, so let's plan something! (or at least block out some time for it).

PS. I am sleeping SO much better now.