All the King's Men - Robert Penn Warren

This book came highly recommended, and I have to say, I'm not disappointed in the least. We may have liked it for very different reasons (this is all speculation), but regardless, it was very well worth the last two days of my life. I've typed up 10 pages of quotes. Some of the sentences were a bit long, and probably not grammatically correct, but the lenghts he goes to describe a feeling, or a truth is incredible.

Unless it was that Lois was in love with me. I put this possibility in the list merely for logical and schematic completeness, for I am quite sure that the only things Lois knew about love was how to spell the word and how to make the physiological adjustments traditionally associated with the idea. (Jack Burden, 303)

Going through the motions doesn't make it love. Lack of a better term doesn't make it love. It either is or isn't. Or it's in the process of getting there, but it shouldn't be a conclusion derived from the lack of better conclusions. But who am I to say? What do I really know about love that nobody else does? Right. Nothing.

Moving on.

I said to somebody a while back, and it still rings true.. "I don't spend enough time with anybody to like them." Sure, I crush on my boys every now and then (or every now and always), but how much of it just fun and how much of it is real? I just want something real. It doesn't have to be a fairy tale, it doesn't have to be perfect, in fact, it shouldn't be. But it should be sincere, and something well worth my time. I invest my time so poorly that I don't think I can or want to afford making a mistake in this arena. Hence, I run away, I don't return phone calls, I quit before I can make a wrong move. I'll never win a game a chess if I refuse to play. I'll never lose, true, but can my goal really be to merely not lose?

Not that life is about winning or losing. I'm just saying that I can't expect anything to work out if I never let it get past the gates. I do such a good job of protecting my feelings that I sometimes feel like I sabatoge myself so that somebody else deson't get to.

I didn't used to be so insecure. I put up a good front (I like to believe), but I worry and stress over the stupidest things! I don't say ANYTHING and I make people guess. I make them talk and I make them decide. Then my job is easy, I say yes or no. I gauge how sincere I think they are by what they say, and then basically pass judgement. But even then I don't really decide. I pretty much go with whatever THEY decide. Which is my choice. I don't want to choose. I carefully relieve myself of all decision-making. My only choice is to go with their choice.

It always ends up being "we'll see." Which is fair, but "we'll see" usually translates into we stop talking. Either by my avoidance or by circumstance. I just want to stop freaking out about whether to worry about whether they do this or that.

Leaving the country probably doesn't help matters. I just hope they make up their minds, so I won't have to. Of course I have an opinion, I'll just never admit to them. Or maybe I never admit to them because I can't commit to an opinion. Either way, things will be fine. All these boats will end up on the same shore, only the journey will differ.

AHHH. I have all these little systems in my head that I have to follow. They're stupid systems and stupid rules, but I follow them regardless.

Everything will always work out, but doesn't that make it harder to choose?