pride

I've never thought of myself as a prideful person. Since March, I have learned that I am. My problems (if they're even really that) escalate the more in denial I get about it. I just want the semester to be over. I could care less if I fail a class. I took these classes because they are interesting. If I didn't learn enough to pass, I should care enough to take them again.

My headache needs to take a vacation, and I need to write these papers. People are so nice when you just put in a little effort. I don't deserve this (kindness of so many people).

I sound like such an angsty college kid... "What happened?" "I used to be such a good student." ::whine::

I am grateful for everything. I had a bad two months, and I am finally dealing with the consequences.

I would've withdrawn from the semester, but then they'll make me take a semseter off, and then I can't be in UCCE. So I didn't withdraw. I will probably not pass my language class and fail a music class. BEAUTIFUL. My parents don't know. They're probably going to flip. But I'm also probably quitting my job (if I have any choice of my successor, then I will... if it'll allow him to stay here). I think I'm quitting band.

Maybe I'm a wimp, maybe I'm a loser. But my life isn't so bad, I am just biased, and think my life is worse than it is. I don't want to believe blindly that everything is beautiful. But I don't have to. I know. The extreme generosity of most of my teachers, the love of my friends, the community of music.

I'm sorry for being difficult, I'm sorry for whining, I'm sorry for not being together.

This summer, I will build good habits. I read somewhere that motivation is much harder to come by than discipline. I will learn to need eight hours of sleep, to need to run every day, to need to eat two real meals a day, to need to eat home-cooked food, to need a HEALTHY and BALANCED lifestyle. Then when I add in school and ucce, I won't die.

I'm not sure what I hate more, knowing that people know I'm not handling it, or having people think that I'm handling it when I'm not. I feel like such a cheat and liar every time somebody says, "I don't know how you handle everything." The best that I can do is to try to convince people not to follow my path. I am just a crazy little girl with too much love for too many things.

I will stop exuding stressed signals. I HATE it when other people do that. I've become so self-conscious about it.

I need to stop randomly spasming. To stop rambling. To just get it together. Honestly. I have food, shelter and love. There is no reason but for myself I am not succeeding, or at least getting by.

SMAy day tomorrow. FUN. Then senior send-off, where I'm going to try not to cry. If they're done, they're done. And I do send them with all my blessing and love, I just need to not be selfish about it (at least in public).

Not being able to privatize is a big reason I switched to blogger. I am not ashamed of what I think, of what I am. If you think I have room to improve, I'm glad. We agree.

I do love. I just need to remember to show it.

The more entrenched I am with this organization, the more scared I am for the day I leave. I still want to graduate early. I might. I need to get out of here.

I can't believe how this semester is turning out. I suppose it's the wake-up call I've been needing.

If I choose not to deal with the world, does it still exist? If I stay under covers, will life go on? If I stay there long enough, will I care?