i am...

(this is not one of my better more coherent entries. read at your own risk)

... going to be positive. [edit: HA. That didn't work.]

Reading through old entries is quite the experience. I dislike using names, so I had a hard time remembering who I was talking about. I suppose it's a good thing that I can't really who I was talking about in some entries. If somebody showed me one of my old entries, I probably wouldn't recognize it.

"Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, 'cause I might do something crazy like believe it." - 3/11/04

The optimistic residue of high school needs to wash off real fast. I just need to believe that it will not work out anyways so I stop wondering about it.

Shaking is bad.

I'm good at self-sabotage, let's just get it over with.

If I didn't think I know what the reaction will be, I'd just do it in a heartbeat. But I don't want to hear "aww... I'm sorry" and have an awkward hugging moment. That's exactly what would happen and I'm more scared of that than I am of actually being rejected. Hell, I'm basically asking to be rejected right now. I didn't realize how needy I was getting. I pretty much can't do anything else. I freak out about it, then I freak out about freaking out about it. Then it gets stupid, and then I obsess about how stupid it is.

I just want it to be over.

I'm sorry this entry was so lame.