All the King's Men - Robert Penn Warren

This book came highly recommended, and I have to say, I'm not disappointed in the least. We may have liked it for very different reasons (this is all speculation), but regardless, it was very well worth the last two days of my life. I've typed up 10 pages of quotes. Some of the sentences were a bit long, and probably not grammatically correct, but the lenghts he goes to describe a feeling, or a truth is incredible.

Unless it was that Lois was in love with me. I put this possibility in the list merely for logical and schematic completeness, for I am quite sure that the only things Lois knew about love was how to spell the word and how to make the physiological adjustments traditionally associated with the idea. (Jack Burden, 303)

Going through the motions doesn't make it love. Lack of a better term doesn't make it love. It either is or isn't. Or it's in the process of getting there, but it shouldn't be a conclusion derived from the lack of better conclusions. But who am I to say? What do I really know about love that nobody else does? Right. Nothing.

Moving on.

I said to somebody a while back, and it still rings true.. "I don't spend enough time with anybody to like them." Sure, I crush on my boys every now and then (or every now and always), but how much of it just fun and how much of it is real? I just want something real. It doesn't have to be a fairy tale, it doesn't have to be perfect, in fact, it shouldn't be. But it should be sincere, and something well worth my time. I invest my time so poorly that I don't think I can or want to afford making a mistake in this arena. Hence, I run away, I don't return phone calls, I quit before I can make a wrong move. I'll never win a game a chess if I refuse to play. I'll never lose, true, but can my goal really be to merely not lose?

Not that life is about winning or losing. I'm just saying that I can't expect anything to work out if I never let it get past the gates. I do such a good job of protecting my feelings that I sometimes feel like I sabatoge myself so that somebody else deson't get to.

I didn't used to be so insecure. I put up a good front (I like to believe), but I worry and stress over the stupidest things! I don't say ANYTHING and I make people guess. I make them talk and I make them decide. Then my job is easy, I say yes or no. I gauge how sincere I think they are by what they say, and then basically pass judgement. But even then I don't really decide. I pretty much go with whatever THEY decide. Which is my choice. I don't want to choose. I carefully relieve myself of all decision-making. My only choice is to go with their choice.

It always ends up being "we'll see." Which is fair, but "we'll see" usually translates into we stop talking. Either by my avoidance or by circumstance. I just want to stop freaking out about whether to worry about whether they do this or that.

Leaving the country probably doesn't help matters. I just hope they make up their minds, so I won't have to. Of course I have an opinion, I'll just never admit to them. Or maybe I never admit to them because I can't commit to an opinion. Either way, things will be fine. All these boats will end up on the same shore, only the journey will differ.

AHHH. I have all these little systems in my head that I have to follow. They're stupid systems and stupid rules, but I follow them regardless.

Everything will always work out, but doesn't that make it harder to choose?

sd tour, taiwan "rehab"

::shh:: don't tell anybody, but I was sort of dreading tour. With all the last minute changes, cancelled gigs, I just didn't want to be there.

Note on tour committee: It's not anybody's fault that everything didn't happen smoothly. I experimented with not hand holding (message boards and emails), but the fact is that everybody's too busy to take initiative and just do things. I really couldn't afford to have meetings where I read them my emails to them. Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't have chaired the committee this year. Everything went fine, everything always will, but there are so many things that could have been better.

Thank goodness for certain people (not even on tour committee!) who just helped me out a lot. Tour was successful, people had fun (I hope), and everybody's back safely.

Thank goodness for facebook and facebook whores. Now I can't forget anything that happened!

I could have slept a little more, but then again, I can always sleep a little more (except for now). Hopefully it will be worth it. Regardless, no regrets!

So my sleeping log in Taiwan:
12 hours on the plane
7 hours from 10:30pm to 5:30am
7 hours from 5:30am to 12:30pm (it was raining so we couldn't go to the market.. :( )
7 hours from 7:30 pm to 2:30am
7 hours from 3pm to 10pm, then insominiac-ish sleep from 10pm to 5am.

I think I need 7 hours to feel rested. I think I am all caught up on sleep. YES.

Unfortunately, I feel shopped out. It's my third day here, and I feel like I'm done with shopping. Maybe I'll go visit my other family in Taipei. I just don't have anything to say, really. I'm quite happy with my computer and my book (which I'm going to finish probably this morning).

back to book!

quick update...

... while I hog the computer at the China Airlines lounge at SFO. (and finish this in taiwan...)

Of all the things that are cool, but useless. ::sigh::

Chorale Tour 06
San Diego, May 21-24

Day 1:

• left at 7 to get to berkeley by 9
• printed last-minute maps, made copies, ran to jamba (can you say ADDICTION?)
• drove to north hollywood for the noho arts festival (... reminded so much of all you stanford kids)
• drove to monterey park to pick somebody up
• drove back to north hollywood, ate at pitfire pizza yum!
  
• planned the rest of tour
• slept, or didn't sleep, rather, at good nite inn - sea world

Day 2:

• breakfast at denny's!
  
• rehearsed
• sauntered around old town
• sang at horton plaza (with its weird sloping levels)
• ate at seaport village
• DENNY'S, visit #2, i believe

Day 3:

• rehearsed
• ZOO! we almost didn't go, but it was definitely worth it. unfortunately, the tiger was gone. fortunately, the pandas, koalas, monkeys, birds, rhinos, hippos, and all the people were.
  
• some little kid was pushing his own stroller bawling his eyes out, sees me, hits me a couple of times, and then keeps walking to his daddy. JUST BECAUSE I'M ASIAN! well, that's what I'm guessing...
  
• sang at ucsd on the avenue with the beat-uh (that joke got so old so fast), they sang a lot of decadence songs, but they were fun
• signed somebody's bathroom!
  
• saw forbidden broadway at the theater in old town, they spoofed so many musicals! and and and i could see the pianist (his hands anyway) and i gushed a LOT about it... people now think i'm lame
• rode to ucsd to pick people up, dragged somebody with me (wasn't serious.. i promise!)

Day 4

• rode to Sherman Oaks to sing - beautiful mall
• dropped people off in pleasanton
• went HOME

and that was SD.

5/25

• early berk trip
• crammed to finish stuff
• hurt my hand
• cleaned my apartment
• went home late
• ate dinner
• super-packed
• watched band concert
• finished packing
• ate cake (for an early birthday... SUPER early)
• went to the airport

5/26

• slept for almost all 12:40 hours on the plane. YES
• bused to grandparent's house
• went to the market, ordered glasses (dark red frames!), got a haircut, shopped (shirt and a skirt for around $3.22 each, a skirt for $6.45, and ORANGE SHOES (well, tan and orange) for $6.13)
• ate rice-dumplings-wrapped-in-lotus-leaves (who said chinese wasn't efficient.. two syllables!)
• bought running shoes
• visited my other grandmother and family
• ate a LOT of food... oops
• ate cake, and celebrated the multiple birthdays that are in june (consecutively, no less)

and i am ACTUALLY going to post this today, because otherwise this is LAME.

note: to anybody who cares... update means quick run-through of what i did. anything "meaningful" will be under a different heading.

packing..

on my mind:

• blackened catfish with chili lime butter (spenger's and caffe giovanni) ... mmmmm
• la note salmon
• storming la note with 22 people
• graduation of a wonderful friend
• rain! in may.
  
• trying eggplant and american scrambled eggs
• home cooking
• sister cooking with WINE?
• orange!
• water bottle... coolness
• hanging out with friends
• crashing rehearsals
• running rehearsals when the director forgets but is down the hall but nobody thought to check
• buying used books
• getting used books free because there's mold inside
• origami
• shows
• da vinci code! with a friend and her friend (expanding my social circle?? see what procrastination does?)
• killing time on shockwave.com
• keeling over in laughter because a friend "thought my roommate and i were lovers" and nobody getting it because everyone missed his hand signals
• sleeping. in my BED. amazing.
  
• nice professors/gsi's who are concerned for me
• everybody who is concerned for me
• excitement about the summer and my one month of driving... monterey, santa cruz, sunnyvale, palo alto, home, HERE I COME
• sd, taiwan/china/hong kong, and maybe sd again.
  
• figuring out my life. to graduate early or on time? ed minor or just credential?

Gratitude to everything and everybody. No, that doesn't cheapen anything! For all you have done, for all you will do, I thank you. If I can ever be of service, do not hesitate to call.

Love may not be the answer, but it's a pretty good guess until you find it.

oh procrastination...

note to self:
be more positive (notice how i didn't say be less negative... ^.^)
*************
so somebody said "yeah... i figured i spent ten minutes to take it, so i might as well post it... even though it's not worth posting. (sunk cost anyone?)"

but somebody else said "dude / this has wasted so much of my time / im taking it"

*this: talking to me about my results

trait snapshot...

... surprisingly negative.

trait snapshot:
introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 40% Stability |||||||||| 40% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56% Interdependence |||||||||||| 50% Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56% Mystical |||| 16% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious || 10% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||| 23% Narcissism |||||||||||| 43% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43% Work ethic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Self absorbed |||||| 30% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||| 56% Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56% Romantic |||||||||| 36% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 56% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||||||||| 50% Change averse |||||||||||| 43% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50% Individuality |||||||||||| 50% Sexuality |||||| 30% Peter pan complex |||||| 23% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44% Histrionic |||||||||| 36% Paranoia |||||||||||| 43% Vanity |||| 16% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43% Female cliche |||||||||||| 43%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

wow...

I should feel like a failure, but I don't. I suppose that's a good thing. It's a bit sad, but whatever. On the other hand, it's kind of like not getting called back: there is some sort of justice in the world. It's good to know I'm not above that. It's good to know that I know and am okay with that.

online screening, horoscope, dinner

fabulous. online screenings think I'm depressed and have general anxiety. Just. Fabulous.

My horoscope today: You may feel as if you have too much work to do today. Although it would be easier if others helped you out a bit, you may be afraid to tell them that you're in over your head. Don't pretend that you have it all together if you really don't. You'll be better off in the long run by showing your vulnerability.

I think I've been in denial a little too long. I don't have to broadcast it to the world, though, right? Just be willing to admit it?

Dinner on 5/18. La Note. 2337 Shattuck. 6:30. BE THERE.

others' words.

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.
- Margaret Bonnano

"[insert cool person's name] I missed you guys this year" - me to said cool person
"I know." - cool person.

::sigh::

pride

I've never thought of myself as a prideful person. Since March, I have learned that I am. My problems (if they're even really that) escalate the more in denial I get about it. I just want the semester to be over. I could care less if I fail a class. I took these classes because they are interesting. If I didn't learn enough to pass, I should care enough to take them again.

My headache needs to take a vacation, and I need to write these papers. People are so nice when you just put in a little effort. I don't deserve this (kindness of so many people).

I sound like such an angsty college kid... "What happened?" "I used to be such a good student." ::whine::

I am grateful for everything. I had a bad two months, and I am finally dealing with the consequences.

I would've withdrawn from the semester, but then they'll make me take a semseter off, and then I can't be in UCCE. So I didn't withdraw. I will probably not pass my language class and fail a music class. BEAUTIFUL. My parents don't know. They're probably going to flip. But I'm also probably quitting my job (if I have any choice of my successor, then I will... if it'll allow him to stay here). I think I'm quitting band.

Maybe I'm a wimp, maybe I'm a loser. But my life isn't so bad, I am just biased, and think my life is worse than it is. I don't want to believe blindly that everything is beautiful. But I don't have to. I know. The extreme generosity of most of my teachers, the love of my friends, the community of music.

I'm sorry for being difficult, I'm sorry for whining, I'm sorry for not being together.

This summer, I will build good habits. I read somewhere that motivation is much harder to come by than discipline. I will learn to need eight hours of sleep, to need to run every day, to need to eat two real meals a day, to need to eat home-cooked food, to need a HEALTHY and BALANCED lifestyle. Then when I add in school and ucce, I won't die.

I'm not sure what I hate more, knowing that people know I'm not handling it, or having people think that I'm handling it when I'm not. I feel like such a cheat and liar every time somebody says, "I don't know how you handle everything." The best that I can do is to try to convince people not to follow my path. I am just a crazy little girl with too much love for too many things.

I will stop exuding stressed signals. I HATE it when other people do that. I've become so self-conscious about it.

I need to stop randomly spasming. To stop rambling. To just get it together. Honestly. I have food, shelter and love. There is no reason but for myself I am not succeeding, or at least getting by.

SMAy day tomorrow. FUN. Then senior send-off, where I'm going to try not to cry. If they're done, they're done. And I do send them with all my blessing and love, I just need to not be selfish about it (at least in public).

Not being able to privatize is a big reason I switched to blogger. I am not ashamed of what I think, of what I am. If you think I have room to improve, I'm glad. We agree.

I do love. I just need to remember to show it.

The more entrenched I am with this organization, the more scared I am for the day I leave. I still want to graduate early. I might. I need to get out of here.

I can't believe how this semester is turning out. I suppose it's the wake-up call I've been needing.

If I choose not to deal with the world, does it still exist? If I stay under covers, will life go on? If I stay there long enough, will I care?

banquet

Goals:

• learn to say no
• be okay with life
• let go

When did I get so insecure?

Banquet was beautiful. I didn't think it'd be so hard to see people in that context for the last time. I don't really mean to make people stay past their time.

I just feel like I'm grabbing at balloons that are quickly rising upwards, and once again, I'm just too short to reach them, even as I jump towards the sky.

a response:
just so you know. you don't jump to grab the balloons that are quickly rising upwards. you convince the balloons the trip is more worthwhile when you're around and have them fall down to the land before rising upward again.

performing vs. teching

"You're the only person I know who performs to tech."

HAHA so true.

who am I kidding?

I love this shit. ALL of it. I love being there all the time, I love watching the show and feeling productive and helpful, I love sitting in the back corner, I love being useful.

I do not, however, love sucking in school, love insomnia, love slacking in school, love my sugar addiction, love the frustration that sometimes comes with doing these things, love the expectations that I sometimes think people have of me, love the disappointment when I don't deliver.

I appreciate the times people thank me, but really? I love sometimes, knowing that I made a difference in a way nobody but me really knows about. Because that difference is there. And the show would've been different without it. Maybe it wouldn't have been better or worse, but it would have been different.

It's kind of like writing in the sand. The wind may blow and nobody can see what you wrote, but the sands are in a different order, now that you've written in it. It doesn't matter that to the passerby, nothing would seem different. You would know, the sand would know, the wind that blew it over would know, and that is enough.

hmmm awkward!

Note to self: make LOTS of noise coming in the door, and never assume people are alone. And don't talk about it until you've heard the door CLOSE. Much love. Everything's fine, just don't lie to me. And don't say you haven't because you have. And while I can understand why you may have lied, it's unnecessary. The only thing that I am upset about is the fact that it appears you feel like you can't be honest with me, and that may be for a variety of reasons. Enjoy the soup, get better soon!

(I suppose that wasn't really a note to self, per se, but you get the picture.)

it's not my job...

to tech CRH
to make our masking and lights available to all who want to use it
to go to emeryville and get techinical parts that i don't really understand
to spend the next four days of my life there so other people can use and probably ruin our stuff

next year, they are going to pay us to staff CRH to use our stuff. period. i don't care what the beureaucratic powers say. they will pay barestage like the pay the cashiers to work their shows because it's our stuff they're using and our time they're taking.

grrrrrrrrr

searching...

Oh where oh where has my motivation gone,
oh where oh where can it be?

If every action/thing has an opposite, does that mean I have to hate as much as I love? I hope not, cuz that's a depressing thought.

Council tonight: Mr. Bass is presenting his legislation. Biggest problem I can forsee next year: conflict of interests up the wazoo. Not even CONFLICT necessarily, just an abundance of interests. I hope it doesn't become a problem.

Silly boast of the day: I'm getting a sliding-up phone! I'm going to be so cool.

I just want everybody to be happy. Maximum utility. Goal: to enjoy my life, and to hopefully help somebody enjoy theirs.

whew..

.. at least that's over. Not looking forward the drama that promises to come.

to school, then maybe coffee?? as I ACTUALLY WORK on long list of things to do.

choices, choices...

.. .we make them everyday.

I can't write my essays, but I can plan tour in an evening. Thank you Krystin and Kealie for actually doing stuff. I tried to get away with not doing meetings this year. Doesn't work. People don't do shit unless you're on their ass about it all the time. Whatever, it'll happen, it'll be fine.

27 people signed up so far. Tour will be fabulous, and cheaper than last year. San Diego, here we come.

Haven't gotten results yet. Heard they've been counted, so maybe tomorrow? We'll see.

Still haven't gotten to my band director yet about conducting. Only a little bit scared.

I'm so glad I'm friends with certain people. Really does make my life. I hope they know.

Maybe I will do audition #2 this year. Here's to that.

Sometimes I think my choir director trusts me too much. And then he says stuff like "Ask Sue-Ting, maybe she can find you a bongo." Or "now that we have a lightboard, we can have blackouts." Fabulous. Time to learn how to use the darn thing.

Must buy paint. Tomorrow.

Need to stop doing everything for everything except for my classes. I can't wait until I get out of here. I really should just go into event planning with a specialization in arts events.

I should write my papers. I should learn how to write papers, then maybe I'll suck less at it.

I need to run.

I'm so excited about next year. I'm living with an adorable person, two hs friends are going to be two doors down, and another friend is possibly subletting there for a semester.

I'm so excited about this summer. Just working and doing nothing. Origami, books, friends, here I come.

Attempt # 1 at sleep. Wish me luck.

maybe..

... I am more insecure than I thought.

Maybe I am sort of sadistic, but sometimes being rejected from something gives me a little bit of hope about the world. It would have been so easy for them to have called me back just so I would've felt better, but they didn't. And I appreciate that more than they probably know. I love really knowing that I can keep the two spheres separate: the me that house-manages and supports because I love what they do and the me that auditions on a whim because it might be cool join their group. I just feel that people still do have standards and that just because I do administrative things to help doesn't mean they give me a pity call back. I'm actually not bitter/sad at all, which I suppose is what surprises me most.

I think I keep my work life pretty separate from my personal life, and I feel most people are mature enough to allow me to do this. For that I am grateful.

I'm not sure what I'd do without BareStage, theater, Women's Chorale, Noteworthy, Men's Chorale and all the people involved in it. Even if some things about each bug me, at the end of the day, it's my biggest (and sometimes only) reason for leaving my house every morning.

The "good" list:

• three hour conversations sitting outside, getting rained on, taking book recommendations, just talking
• rehearsing songs we don't know and deciphering a conductor's scribblings
• other people making executive decisions that trump everything else I've been told
• silly conversations online
• law and order
• knowing, just knowing, that somebody doesn't hate you
• cooking at 1am
• loving others unconditionally
• playing piano with a certain amazing director
• folding origami
• sober corner
• living arrangements for next year!!

Here's to too little sleep!