pride

I've never thought of myself as a prideful person. Since March, I have learned that I am. My problems (if they're even really that) escalate the more in denial I get about it. I just want the semester to be over. I could care less if I fail a class. I took these classes because they are interesting. If I didn't learn enough to pass, I should care enough to take them again.

My headache needs to take a vacation, and I need to write these papers. People are so nice when you just put in a little effort. I don't deserve this (kindness of so many people).

I sound like such an angsty college kid... "What happened?" "I used to be such a good student." ::whine::

I am grateful for everything. I had a bad two months, and I am finally dealing with the consequences.

I would've withdrawn from the semester, but then they'll make me take a semseter off, and then I can't be in UCCE. So I didn't withdraw. I will probably not pass my language class and fail a music class. BEAUTIFUL. My parents don't know. They're probably going to flip. But I'm also probably quitting my job (if I have any choice of my successor, then I will... if it'll allow him to stay here). I think I'm quitting band.

Maybe I'm a wimp, maybe I'm a loser. But my life isn't so bad, I am just biased, and think my life is worse than it is. I don't want to believe blindly that everything is beautiful. But I don't have to. I know. The extreme generosity of most of my teachers, the love of my friends, the community of music.

I'm sorry for being difficult, I'm sorry for whining, I'm sorry for not being together.

This summer, I will build good habits. I read somewhere that motivation is much harder to come by than discipline. I will learn to need eight hours of sleep, to need to run every day, to need to eat two real meals a day, to need to eat home-cooked food, to need a HEALTHY and BALANCED lifestyle. Then when I add in school and ucce, I won't die.

I'm not sure what I hate more, knowing that people know I'm not handling it, or having people think that I'm handling it when I'm not. I feel like such a cheat and liar every time somebody says, "I don't know how you handle everything." The best that I can do is to try to convince people not to follow my path. I am just a crazy little girl with too much love for too many things.

I will stop exuding stressed signals. I HATE it when other people do that. I've become so self-conscious about it.

I need to stop randomly spasming. To stop rambling. To just get it together. Honestly. I have food, shelter and love. There is no reason but for myself I am not succeeding, or at least getting by.

SMAy day tomorrow. FUN. Then senior send-off, where I'm going to try not to cry. If they're done, they're done. And I do send them with all my blessing and love, I just need to not be selfish about it (at least in public).

Not being able to privatize is a big reason I switched to blogger. I am not ashamed of what I think, of what I am. If you think I have room to improve, I'm glad. We agree.

I do love. I just need to remember to show it.

The more entrenched I am with this organization, the more scared I am for the day I leave. I still want to graduate early. I might. I need to get out of here.

I can't believe how this semester is turning out. I suppose it's the wake-up call I've been needing.

If I choose not to deal with the world, does it still exist? If I stay under covers, will life go on? If I stay there long enough, will I care?

banquet

Goals:

• learn to say no
• be okay with life
• let go

When did I get so insecure?

Banquet was beautiful. I didn't think it'd be so hard to see people in that context for the last time. I don't really mean to make people stay past their time.

I just feel like I'm grabbing at balloons that are quickly rising upwards, and once again, I'm just too short to reach them, even as I jump towards the sky.

a response:
just so you know. you don't jump to grab the balloons that are quickly rising upwards. you convince the balloons the trip is more worthwhile when you're around and have them fall down to the land before rising upward again.

performing vs. teching

"You're the only person I know who performs to tech."

HAHA so true.

who am I kidding?

I love this shit. ALL of it. I love being there all the time, I love watching the show and feeling productive and helpful, I love sitting in the back corner, I love being useful.

I do not, however, love sucking in school, love insomnia, love slacking in school, love my sugar addiction, love the frustration that sometimes comes with doing these things, love the expectations that I sometimes think people have of me, love the disappointment when I don't deliver.

I appreciate the times people thank me, but really? I love sometimes, knowing that I made a difference in a way nobody but me really knows about. Because that difference is there. And the show would've been different without it. Maybe it wouldn't have been better or worse, but it would have been different.

It's kind of like writing in the sand. The wind may blow and nobody can see what you wrote, but the sands are in a different order, now that you've written in it. It doesn't matter that to the passerby, nothing would seem different. You would know, the sand would know, the wind that blew it over would know, and that is enough.

hmmm awkward!

Note to self: make LOTS of noise coming in the door, and never assume people are alone. And don't talk about it until you've heard the door CLOSE. Much love. Everything's fine, just don't lie to me. And don't say you haven't because you have. And while I can understand why you may have lied, it's unnecessary. The only thing that I am upset about is the fact that it appears you feel like you can't be honest with me, and that may be for a variety of reasons. Enjoy the soup, get better soon!

(I suppose that wasn't really a note to self, per se, but you get the picture.)

it's not my job...

to tech CRH
to make our masking and lights available to all who want to use it
to go to emeryville and get techinical parts that i don't really understand
to spend the next four days of my life there so other people can use and probably ruin our stuff

next year, they are going to pay us to staff CRH to use our stuff. period. i don't care what the beureaucratic powers say. they will pay barestage like the pay the cashiers to work their shows because it's our stuff they're using and our time they're taking.

grrrrrrrrr

searching...

Oh where oh where has my motivation gone,
oh where oh where can it be?

If every action/thing has an opposite, does that mean I have to hate as much as I love? I hope not, cuz that's a depressing thought.

Council tonight: Mr. Bass is presenting his legislation. Biggest problem I can forsee next year: conflict of interests up the wazoo. Not even CONFLICT necessarily, just an abundance of interests. I hope it doesn't become a problem.

Silly boast of the day: I'm getting a sliding-up phone! I'm going to be so cool.

I just want everybody to be happy. Maximum utility. Goal: to enjoy my life, and to hopefully help somebody enjoy theirs.

whew..

.. at least that's over. Not looking forward the drama that promises to come.

to school, then maybe coffee?? as I ACTUALLY WORK on long list of things to do.

choices, choices...

.. .we make them everyday.

I can't write my essays, but I can plan tour in an evening. Thank you Krystin and Kealie for actually doing stuff. I tried to get away with not doing meetings this year. Doesn't work. People don't do shit unless you're on their ass about it all the time. Whatever, it'll happen, it'll be fine.

27 people signed up so far. Tour will be fabulous, and cheaper than last year. San Diego, here we come.

Haven't gotten results yet. Heard they've been counted, so maybe tomorrow? We'll see.

Still haven't gotten to my band director yet about conducting. Only a little bit scared.

I'm so glad I'm friends with certain people. Really does make my life. I hope they know.

Maybe I will do audition #2 this year. Here's to that.

Sometimes I think my choir director trusts me too much. And then he says stuff like "Ask Sue-Ting, maybe she can find you a bongo." Or "now that we have a lightboard, we can have blackouts." Fabulous. Time to learn how to use the darn thing.

Must buy paint. Tomorrow.

Need to stop doing everything for everything except for my classes. I can't wait until I get out of here. I really should just go into event planning with a specialization in arts events.

I should write my papers. I should learn how to write papers, then maybe I'll suck less at it.

I need to run.

I'm so excited about next year. I'm living with an adorable person, two hs friends are going to be two doors down, and another friend is possibly subletting there for a semester.

I'm so excited about this summer. Just working and doing nothing. Origami, books, friends, here I come.

Attempt # 1 at sleep. Wish me luck.

maybe..

... I am more insecure than I thought.

Maybe I am sort of sadistic, but sometimes being rejected from something gives me a little bit of hope about the world. It would have been so easy for them to have called me back just so I would've felt better, but they didn't. And I appreciate that more than they probably know. I love really knowing that I can keep the two spheres separate: the me that house-manages and supports because I love what they do and the me that auditions on a whim because it might be cool join their group. I just feel that people still do have standards and that just because I do administrative things to help doesn't mean they give me a pity call back. I'm actually not bitter/sad at all, which I suppose is what surprises me most.

I think I keep my work life pretty separate from my personal life, and I feel most people are mature enough to allow me to do this. For that I am grateful.

I'm not sure what I'd do without BareStage, theater, Women's Chorale, Noteworthy, Men's Chorale and all the people involved in it. Even if some things about each bug me, at the end of the day, it's my biggest (and sometimes only) reason for leaving my house every morning.

The "good" list:

• three hour conversations sitting outside, getting rained on, taking book recommendations, just talking
• rehearsing songs we don't know and deciphering a conductor's scribblings
• other people making executive decisions that trump everything else I've been told
• silly conversations online
• law and order
• knowing, just knowing, that somebody doesn't hate you
• cooking at 1am
• loving others unconditionally
• playing piano with a certain amazing director
• folding origami
• sober corner
• living arrangements for next year!!

Here's to too little sleep!