creepy

... "I got your address from the phone book at the library..."

I'm updating my google calendar and I hear THAT (see above). CREEPY. That's Me Trying by William Shanter.

I am such a google calendar whore. SERIOUSLY. I've just spent a ridiculous amount of time making calendars (for ucce, for barestage, for me). This almost measures up to the Berkeley Bowl love. Or perhaps I am fickle.

every day...

I say tomorrow will be different. But my project is unprogressing, my research untouched. But I did reach my goal of getting up this morning. Maybe tomorrow I will get up and do something productive. One small goal at a time, maybe it'll be reachable this way.

I need to decide if I'm going to be self-conscious about my singing or not. I should just audition, I know all the people... does that make it better or worse. I want to be better more than I want to get in, so hopefully they'll understand that.

People think I'm silly this, determine for yourself: I'd rather not do PJC because I'm not good enough, than to not do it because I chickened out and didn't audition. Is that weird? Is it masochistic to want to be rejected?

I'm fairly sure I understand the situation now. I just wish everything could be validated and we can all move on. I do love them all though. Somebody asked, "Do you still like him?" My response, "It's irrelevant, isn't it?" It doesn't matter if I do or don't. I can't, and therefore, won't. It's just a matter of time before I get there. Where do we draw the line anyhow between caring about people and liking them, anyhow? Does it matter if they can or if they like you? Shouldn't it be outside of that completely. But if it is, then what keeps people from being hopelessly in love with certain people, or does our practicality kick in to stop us from wasting our time? Oh, and don't say "He just likes you." [insert pause] "Not like THAT." Scary-ness.

In the good news department, I think I'm caught up in karma. Thank goodness.

College is such a precious time bubble. I hope I allow myself to enjoy it while it lasts.

Sleep. Wake and embark on the adventure that is tomorrow.

goals..

I need to fix this now.

Apparantly it's easier to be disciplined than motivated. I WILL get up and go to class tomorrow, regardless of whether I feel like it or not, regardless of whether I'm awake enough or not. I WILL be there.

a jumble of thoughts

The only thing that will make me stop doing what I do is something I don't have enough time to pursue (precisely because I'm doing what I do). A Catch-22 like none other.

Side note: I fell silly using that phrase when I haven't read the book. I'll add that to the must read list.

Currently reading: Troubled Sleep, by Jean-Paul Sarte
Currently listening: From the Bottom of My Broken Heart, Britney Spears (pandora.com)

I hate making campaign speeches. They make me feel like I'm in middle school. Everybody is qualified.

I just had the most depressing conversation ever. I don't really know what to do about it. I don't hate you at ALL. I love you and am just concerned and worried now. I hope everything works out.

I don't judge.

Really. I may not sympathize if the only reason you're suffering is your own fault, I still feel bad.

Note to self: don't volunteer to do other people's jobs especially if it's going to be in the morning. Don't be late when working with certain people, cuz they're never late and then they make you feel bad. Not because they try to make you feel bad, but because you do. When you know somebody is right, at least on some level, it's so easy to take things personally, and I don't think I normally take things personally, but it's been bugging me. It's ridiculous. I don't really mind talking to people when they're buzzed, but drunk? I just worry. And then I'm afraid they're going to fall over. I feel bad for leaving Sarah to take care of everybody, but I really needed to sleep. Which I did. TEN HOURS. It was amazing. But I'm still tired. Now I'm just sort of spewing. Okay. I'm done.

ALUMNI CONCERT TONIGHT! Mark and Bill are singing a duet. It will be fabulous.

honestly?

don't talk to me when you're drunk. Or if you do, stop when I ask you to. I don't want your hands on my face telling me I'm a wonderful person. I don't need or want that. My sense of self isn't that non-existant. Don't tell me what I want or what I deserve. I thank you for your confirmation, but you're not granting me anything because it's not yours to grant. I do not want your pity. I'm more concerned that you're [edit: being unclear] to me than you don't reciprocate. Come on now. I can handle more than that. that

and... different person, in case you're keeping track. I think that was a fairly low blow. In case you wanted to know what I thought.

perfect.

just perfect.

Three more shows and my wrist is not a happy camper already.

Maybe if I tell enough people, it'll become real. I am going to write this paper even though I don't really know how to. It will be decent. I am going to eat food and probably not sleep tonight. I will have fun tomorrow.

Here goes.

I will...

... be more productive tomorrow.

But, given today, that should be easy enough. I'm sorry I'm not handling everything well right now. I will do better. That's the best I can do. I can't promise to care, but I do promise to care more.

My mother and sister are coming up on Saturday. Oh CAL Day. Two tables. Two shows. Another show to worry about, which I am hopefully sending my sister to. An after-party to maybe crash. We'll see about that. At least I can drag my wonderful roommie.

There will be a forthcoming entry on my wonderful roommate who pretty much saves my life every day. When she doesn't save it, she just makes it infinitely better.

I can see the tribute entries coming.

HAHA who does this remind you of: what is the color when black is burned? what is the color?

if only...

I had papers more often. I'd COOK. Time to start working. (::snickers in background::)

I'm done being lame now. REALLY. Two hours of it yesterday was plenty of lame-ness for me.

Paper paper paper.

Wow. I'm already counting down the minutes until I take a break and go on a sugar overload from 7-11.

Sadness.

if I sleep tonight...

... I'm going to kick myself. Hard. In the shins. (oh wait... that's a line from Melissa's play)

I need to stop writing nonsense. Or maybe I will, just because I can.

everything...

... will be okay. As it always has been, as it always is, as it always will be.

Please don't feel bad. Don't go out of your way to spare my feelings. I'm a big girl, and de-sensitized at that, so what I can't deal with, I'll block and life will be good. But in all honesty, I am fine. I feel sort of silly, but that's about it. And I feel silly every day anyways. I have no doubt that everything will be fine. If I am retarded and make things awkward just to make a scene, call me out on it, I'll feel stupid, and we can be friends again. Don't let me get away with being a retard.

Thank you.

post from yesterday.. w/ more from now

In spite of everything, I'm glad I didn't make the wrong choices earlier. True, I could have been a little nicer, a little more considerate, but at least I didn't choose incorrectly.

But then again, is there ever really a wrong answer?
*****************
I used to hate writing, hate putting my thoughts in a public place. I'm much more okay with it now, but then I feel like I'm wasting people's time. If you don't want to read, don't read. I promise to not get offended if you don't read every word. I feel silly that I have to put this disclaimer on, but this is mine and you are being allowed to read it. That said, please send all opinions/comments my way. If you have a suggestion, a solution to my problems let me know. Let me know that I'm stupid, silly. If I minded you reading any of this, it wouldn't be here. I think I'm finished.
****************
Goal:
~ to be a better person
~ call him... goodness. stop procrastinating, me
~ to seem less stressed out
~ includes BEING less stressed out
~ sleep
~ hopefully without the need to be absolutely exhausted
~ sleeping pills? benadryl? maybe. maybe not.
~ to eat better
~ cook the vegetables I bought
~ spend less money
~ eat healthier
~ to be nicer
~ to be honest to myself and others
~ to be less irritable and more pleasant to be with
~ to talk slower
~ to remember to breathe
~ to read more
~ to regain my happy outlook on life.

i am...

(this is not one of my better more coherent entries. read at your own risk)

... going to be positive. [edit: HA. That didn't work.]

Reading through old entries is quite the experience. I dislike using names, so I had a hard time remembering who I was talking about. I suppose it's a good thing that I can't really who I was talking about in some entries. If somebody showed me one of my old entries, I probably wouldn't recognize it.

"Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, 'cause I might do something crazy like believe it." - 3/11/04

The optimistic residue of high school needs to wash off real fast. I just need to believe that it will not work out anyways so I stop wondering about it.

Shaking is bad.

I'm good at self-sabotage, let's just get it over with.

If I didn't think I know what the reaction will be, I'd just do it in a heartbeat. But I don't want to hear "aww... I'm sorry" and have an awkward hugging moment. That's exactly what would happen and I'm more scared of that than I am of actually being rejected. Hell, I'm basically asking to be rejected right now. I didn't realize how needy I was getting. I pretty much can't do anything else. I freak out about it, then I freak out about freaking out about it. Then it gets stupid, and then I obsess about how stupid it is.

I just want it to be over.

I'm sorry this entry was so lame.

ignore please

I know I'm a bad person sometimes. I used to think that at least it is better than not knowing. While it's still better than, it's not really good enough. Making things more complicated never really helped anyone but driving yourself crazy seems almost less helpful. Am I selfish in that I'm not willing to go crazy for everybody else's sake? Why do people do things they don't mean? I don't exclude myself from this category of "people". I've definitely done it. I'm not proud of it, but I refuse to decieve myself about it. I just want to know one way or another. At this point, I don't even really care what it is, I just want to stop guessing. I always think that "well, if they knew then they wouldn't do [insert bad choices here]." Past experience has proven otherwise. I hate when other people guess at my feelings, why can't I just do what I make everybody else do? I don't want to lose people just because I can't handle it. Just like I don't wnat to drop anything because I can't handle it. I can totally handle it. Maybe it's self-deception. But then again, I've gotten quite good at it.

cynicism...

... is pouring out of my ears.

You can't be dating the wrong person if you're not dating anybody at all. You also can't be dating the right person. But at least you're not dating the wrong one.

nathan's song...

... that he probably hates now because I messed with it.
*************************************
And I count to, one two three,
Then I slowly turn around to
See if you're still next to me.

If you are then I wonder
silently to myself if
you really want to be here.

Cuz we do things we mean to
we do things we don't
How can I tell if you do or you don't.

You say one but then you
act the other way.
But then do I do the same thing to you?

Then I wait, one two three,
wait to see if you'll begin to
tell me exactly what you need.

But if you asked me to
answer my own questions to
you I don't know that I can.

Cuz we do things we mean to
we do things we don't
How can I tell if you do or you don't.

You say one but then you
act the other way.
But then do I do the same thing to you?

You say this you mean that
Do you expect me to tell
between real and make believe.

Cuz we do things we mean to
we do things we don't
How can I tell if you do or you don't.

You say one but then you
act the other way.
But then do I do the same thing to you?

(optional happy ending)
I count to, one two three
then I slowly open my eyes
to see you here with me.
******************************
My first attempt at lyrics. Because I forgot to chorus I had to make that up. I'm not sure how the bridge goes yet. This is probably awful, but that's okay. I am okay with not being perfect. Can't really believe I'm putting this up, but since I don't think anybody reads it, I'm still pretty safe.

is indifference...

... really worse than either extreme?

So I went to see a counselor, because the Tang Center told me to. His suggestion: "Relax." Wow. Really?

I think I'm relaxed. Maybe I'm just as good at self-deception as I'm good at self-sabotage.

I have been sleeping better for the last two days. Knock on wood. I've also been seeing the same two people for the past five days. It's amazing what you do/don't make time for. Maybe it makes me a bad person. But being able to lounge at three am and have it just be comfortable is nice. Maybe it's nice because there are no strings attached, no awkward conversations. Can I be content without making things more difficult?

I should call somebody back. But I feel like I can't have that conversation without being defensive to start with. And it's not as if they are making me defensive. It's the guilty-conscience syndrome.

On the couch, I attempt to sleep, again. We'll see how this goes.

I just want to be okay. I don't think I deserve to have a completely shitty life nor do I feel entitled to have a fabulous one.

Sorry for the incoherency. It's my life.