taiwan update

Still in Taiwan's sweltering hot, humid, clutches, but I am thoroughly enjoying my time here. I've gone to the Shu-Lin night market TWICE, tons of malls, lots of street shops, and bookstores (for stationery). I haven't bought THAT many things (I don't think), but I did shop! Good thing I'm not really shopped out.

I've bought:
5 pairs of pants (390, 395, 395, 200, 200)
2 skirts (100, 200)
1 tank top (100)
1 blouse (200)
3 camisoles (99, 99, 99)
8 pairs of sockes (33, 33, 33, 20, 20, 20, 20, 20)
1 pair of shoes (190)
lots and lots of stationery (exacto knives, a present for jonjow, project case, folders, letter sets, water proof bag, bookmarks, planners, origami paper, name cards, eraser, clips, pencil, eyelash curler (not stationery, I know))

I feel very productive!

Things are clearing up on the school front, thanks to certain people at CAL. Thank goodness. I'm just waiting for the good news to roll in.

Pet peeve: annoying voices. DRIVES ME CRAZY. I'm going to try really hard to not sound annoying. Goodness.

5/27
tagged along with my dad to a meeting, then walked around in the rain

5/28
rain, rain, go away, come again (not) another day.

5/29
rain + book

5/30
picked up glasses
walked around in the rain
ate shaved ice... with ICE CREAM on top. WHAT?

5/31
walked to my other grandmother's house the LONG way. oops, but it was fun.
talked to the ancestors
shu lin night market - arcade games and lots of food

6/1
shu lin night market - again. i know i know. but i bought the five pairs of pants. ridiculous, but i needed pants!

6/2
yong-kang street and taiwan normal university night market - food food and more food, some stationery stores, and more food.

6/3
o-lai - there are hot springs up there, but we just walked around a LOT, basically hiking, but with stairs. it was gorgeous! from the outside you can't see anything, cuz they let the trees grow taller to cover the stairs. we got to the top and there was AN AMUSMENT PARK. wasn't that big, but there were rides and swimming pool and what not. CRAZY.

looking forward to going home. ^.^

All the King's Men - Robert Penn Warren

This book came highly recommended, and I have to say, I'm not disappointed in the least. We may have liked it for very different reasons (this is all speculation), but regardless, it was very well worth the last two days of my life. I've typed up 10 pages of quotes. Some of the sentences were a bit long, and probably not grammatically correct, but the lenghts he goes to describe a feeling, or a truth is incredible.

Unless it was that Lois was in love with me. I put this possibility in the list merely for logical and schematic completeness, for I am quite sure that the only things Lois knew about love was how to spell the word and how to make the physiological adjustments traditionally associated with the idea. (Jack Burden, 303)

Going through the motions doesn't make it love. Lack of a better term doesn't make it love. It either is or isn't. Or it's in the process of getting there, but it shouldn't be a conclusion derived from the lack of better conclusions. But who am I to say? What do I really know about love that nobody else does? Right. Nothing.

Moving on.

I said to somebody a while back, and it still rings true.. "I don't spend enough time with anybody to like them." Sure, I crush on my boys every now and then (or every now and always), but how much of it just fun and how much of it is real? I just want something real. It doesn't have to be a fairy tale, it doesn't have to be perfect, in fact, it shouldn't be. But it should be sincere, and something well worth my time. I invest my time so poorly that I don't think I can or want to afford making a mistake in this arena. Hence, I run away, I don't return phone calls, I quit before I can make a wrong move. I'll never win a game a chess if I refuse to play. I'll never lose, true, but can my goal really be to merely not lose?

Not that life is about winning or losing. I'm just saying that I can't expect anything to work out if I never let it get past the gates. I do such a good job of protecting my feelings that I sometimes feel like I sabatoge myself so that somebody else deson't get to.

I didn't used to be so insecure. I put up a good front (I like to believe), but I worry and stress over the stupidest things! I don't say ANYTHING and I make people guess. I make them talk and I make them decide. Then my job is easy, I say yes or no. I gauge how sincere I think they are by what they say, and then basically pass judgement. But even then I don't really decide. I pretty much go with whatever THEY decide. Which is my choice. I don't want to choose. I carefully relieve myself of all decision-making. My only choice is to go with their choice.

It always ends up being "we'll see." Which is fair, but "we'll see" usually translates into we stop talking. Either by my avoidance or by circumstance. I just want to stop freaking out about whether to worry about whether they do this or that.

Leaving the country probably doesn't help matters. I just hope they make up their minds, so I won't have to. Of course I have an opinion, I'll just never admit to them. Or maybe I never admit to them because I can't commit to an opinion. Either way, things will be fine. All these boats will end up on the same shore, only the journey will differ.

AHHH. I have all these little systems in my head that I have to follow. They're stupid systems and stupid rules, but I follow them regardless.

Everything will always work out, but doesn't that make it harder to choose?

sd tour, taiwan "rehab"

::shh:: don't tell anybody, but I was sort of dreading tour. With all the last minute changes, cancelled gigs, I just didn't want to be there.

Note on tour committee: It's not anybody's fault that everything didn't happen smoothly. I experimented with not hand holding (message boards and emails), but the fact is that everybody's too busy to take initiative and just do things. I really couldn't afford to have meetings where I read them my emails to them. Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't have chaired the committee this year. Everything went fine, everything always will, but there are so many things that could have been better.

Thank goodness for certain people (not even on tour committee!) who just helped me out a lot. Tour was successful, people had fun (I hope), and everybody's back safely.

Thank goodness for facebook and facebook whores. Now I can't forget anything that happened!

I could have slept a little more, but then again, I can always sleep a little more (except for now). Hopefully it will be worth it. Regardless, no regrets!

So my sleeping log in Taiwan:
12 hours on the plane
7 hours from 10:30pm to 5:30am
7 hours from 5:30am to 12:30pm (it was raining so we couldn't go to the market.. :( )
7 hours from 7:30 pm to 2:30am
7 hours from 3pm to 10pm, then insominiac-ish sleep from 10pm to 5am.

I think I need 7 hours to feel rested. I think I am all caught up on sleep. YES.

Unfortunately, I feel shopped out. It's my third day here, and I feel like I'm done with shopping. Maybe I'll go visit my other family in Taipei. I just don't have anything to say, really. I'm quite happy with my computer and my book (which I'm going to finish probably this morning).

back to book!

quick update...

... while I hog the computer at the China Airlines lounge at SFO. (and finish this in taiwan...)

Of all the things that are cool, but useless. ::sigh::

Chorale Tour 06
San Diego, May 21-24

Day 1:

• left at 7 to get to berkeley by 9
• printed last-minute maps, made copies, ran to jamba (can you say ADDICTION?)
• drove to north hollywood for the noho arts festival (... reminded so much of all you stanford kids)
• drove to monterey park to pick somebody up
• drove back to north hollywood, ate at pitfire pizza yum!
  
• planned the rest of tour
• slept, or didn't sleep, rather, at good nite inn - sea world

Day 2:

• breakfast at denny's!
  
• rehearsed
• sauntered around old town
• sang at horton plaza (with its weird sloping levels)
• ate at seaport village
• DENNY'S, visit #2, i believe

Day 3:

• rehearsed
• ZOO! we almost didn't go, but it was definitely worth it. unfortunately, the tiger was gone. fortunately, the pandas, koalas, monkeys, birds, rhinos, hippos, and all the people were.
  
• some little kid was pushing his own stroller bawling his eyes out, sees me, hits me a couple of times, and then keeps walking to his daddy. JUST BECAUSE I'M ASIAN! well, that's what I'm guessing...
  
• sang at ucsd on the avenue with the beat-uh (that joke got so old so fast), they sang a lot of decadence songs, but they were fun
• signed somebody's bathroom!
  
• saw forbidden broadway at the theater in old town, they spoofed so many musicals! and and and i could see the pianist (his hands anyway) and i gushed a LOT about it... people now think i'm lame
• rode to ucsd to pick people up, dragged somebody with me (wasn't serious.. i promise!)

Day 4

• rode to Sherman Oaks to sing - beautiful mall
• dropped people off in pleasanton
• went HOME

and that was SD.

5/25

• early berk trip
• crammed to finish stuff
• hurt my hand
• cleaned my apartment
• went home late
• ate dinner
• super-packed
• watched band concert
• finished packing
• ate cake (for an early birthday... SUPER early)
• went to the airport

5/26

• slept for almost all 12:40 hours on the plane. YES
• bused to grandparent's house
• went to the market, ordered glasses (dark red frames!), got a haircut, shopped (shirt and a skirt for around $3.22 each, a skirt for $6.45, and ORANGE SHOES (well, tan and orange) for $6.13)
• ate rice-dumplings-wrapped-in-lotus-leaves (who said chinese wasn't efficient.. two syllables!)
• bought running shoes
• visited my other grandmother and family
• ate a LOT of food... oops
• ate cake, and celebrated the multiple birthdays that are in june (consecutively, no less)

and i am ACTUALLY going to post this today, because otherwise this is LAME.

note: to anybody who cares... update means quick run-through of what i did. anything "meaningful" will be under a different heading.

packing..

on my mind:

• blackened catfish with chili lime butter (spenger's and caffe giovanni) ... mmmmm
• la note salmon
• storming la note with 22 people
• graduation of a wonderful friend
• rain! in may.
  
• trying eggplant and american scrambled eggs
• home cooking
• sister cooking with WINE?
• orange!
• water bottle... coolness
• hanging out with friends
• crashing rehearsals
• running rehearsals when the director forgets but is down the hall but nobody thought to check
• buying used books
• getting used books free because there's mold inside
• origami
• shows
• da vinci code! with a friend and her friend (expanding my social circle?? see what procrastination does?)
• killing time on shockwave.com
• keeling over in laughter because a friend "thought my roommate and i were lovers" and nobody getting it because everyone missed his hand signals
• sleeping. in my BED. amazing.
  
• nice professors/gsi's who are concerned for me
• everybody who is concerned for me
• excitement about the summer and my one month of driving... monterey, santa cruz, sunnyvale, palo alto, home, HERE I COME
• sd, taiwan/china/hong kong, and maybe sd again.
  
• figuring out my life. to graduate early or on time? ed minor or just credential?

Gratitude to everything and everybody. No, that doesn't cheapen anything! For all you have done, for all you will do, I thank you. If I can ever be of service, do not hesitate to call.

Love may not be the answer, but it's a pretty good guess until you find it.

oh procrastination...

note to self:
be more positive (notice how i didn't say be less negative... ^.^)
*************
so somebody said "yeah... i figured i spent ten minutes to take it, so i might as well post it... even though it's not worth posting. (sunk cost anyone?)"

but somebody else said "dude / this has wasted so much of my time / im taking it"

*this: talking to me about my results

trait snapshot...

... surprisingly negative.

trait snapshot:
introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 40% Stability |||||||||| 40% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56% Interdependence |||||||||||| 50% Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56% Mystical |||| 16% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious || 10% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||| 23% Narcissism |||||||||||| 43% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43% Work ethic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Self absorbed |||||| 30% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||| 56% Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56% Romantic |||||||||| 36% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 56% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||||||||| 50% Change averse |||||||||||| 43% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50% Individuality |||||||||||| 50% Sexuality |||||| 30% Peter pan complex |||||| 23% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44% Histrionic |||||||||| 36% Paranoia |||||||||||| 43% Vanity |||| 16% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43% Female cliche |||||||||||| 43%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

wow...

I should feel like a failure, but I don't. I suppose that's a good thing. It's a bit sad, but whatever. On the other hand, it's kind of like not getting called back: there is some sort of justice in the world. It's good to know I'm not above that. It's good to know that I know and am okay with that.

online screening, horoscope, dinner

fabulous. online screenings think I'm depressed and have general anxiety. Just. Fabulous.

My horoscope today: You may feel as if you have too much work to do today. Although it would be easier if others helped you out a bit, you may be afraid to tell them that you're in over your head. Don't pretend that you have it all together if you really don't. You'll be better off in the long run by showing your vulnerability.

I think I've been in denial a little too long. I don't have to broadcast it to the world, though, right? Just be willing to admit it?

Dinner on 5/18. La Note. 2337 Shattuck. 6:30. BE THERE.

others' words.

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.
- Margaret Bonnano

"[insert cool person's name] I missed you guys this year" - me to said cool person
"I know." - cool person.

::sigh::