... I'm going to kick myself. Hard. In the shins. (oh wait... that's a line from Melissa's play)
I need to stop writing nonsense. Or maybe I will, just because I can.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
everything...
... will be okay. As it always has been, as it always is, as it always will be.
Please don't feel bad. Don't go out of your way to spare my feelings. I'm a big girl, and de-sensitized at that, so what I can't deal with, I'll block and life will be good. But in all honesty, I am fine. I feel sort of silly, but that's about it. And I feel silly every day anyways. I have no doubt that everything will be fine. If I am retarded and make things awkward just to make a scene, call me out on it, I'll feel stupid, and we can be friends again. Don't let me get away with being a retard.
Thank you.
Please don't feel bad. Don't go out of your way to spare my feelings. I'm a big girl, and de-sensitized at that, so what I can't deal with, I'll block and life will be good. But in all honesty, I am fine. I feel sort of silly, but that's about it. And I feel silly every day anyways. I have no doubt that everything will be fine. If I am retarded and make things awkward just to make a scene, call me out on it, I'll feel stupid, and we can be friends again. Don't let me get away with being a retard.
Thank you.
Monday, April 17, 2006
post from yesterday.. w/ more from now
In spite of everything, I'm glad I didn't make the wrong choices earlier. True, I could have been a little nicer, a little more considerate, but at least I didn't choose incorrectly.
But then again, is there ever really a wrong answer?
*****************
I used to hate writing, hate putting my thoughts in a public place. I'm much more okay with it now, but then I feel like I'm wasting people's time. If you don't want to read, don't read. I promise to not get offended if you don't read every word. I feel silly that I have to put this disclaimer on, but this is mine and you are being allowed to read it. That said, please send all opinions/comments my way. If you have a suggestion, a solution to my problems let me know. Let me know that I'm stupid, silly. If I minded you reading any of this, it wouldn't be here. I think I'm finished.
****************
Goal:
~ to be a better person
~ call him... goodness. stop procrastinating, me
~ to seem less stressed out
~ includes BEING less stressed out
~ sleep
~ hopefully without the need to be absolutely exhausted
~ sleeping pills? benadryl? maybe. maybe not.
~ to eat better
~ cook the vegetables I bought
~ spend less money
~ eat healthier
~ to be nicer
~ to be honest to myself and others
~ to be less irritable and more pleasant to be with
~ to talk slower
~ to remember to breathe
~ to read more
~ to regain my happy outlook on life.
But then again, is there ever really a wrong answer?
*****************
I used to hate writing, hate putting my thoughts in a public place. I'm much more okay with it now, but then I feel like I'm wasting people's time. If you don't want to read, don't read. I promise to not get offended if you don't read every word. I feel silly that I have to put this disclaimer on, but this is mine and you are being allowed to read it. That said, please send all opinions/comments my way. If you have a suggestion, a solution to my problems let me know. Let me know that I'm stupid, silly. If I minded you reading any of this, it wouldn't be here. I think I'm finished.
****************
Goal:
~ to be a better person
~ call him... goodness. stop procrastinating, me
~ to seem less stressed out
~ includes BEING less stressed out
~ sleep
~ hopefully without the need to be absolutely exhausted
~ sleeping pills? benadryl? maybe. maybe not.
~ to eat better
~ cook the vegetables I bought
~ spend less money
~ eat healthier
~ to be nicer
~ to be honest to myself and others
~ to be less irritable and more pleasant to be with
~ to talk slower
~ to remember to breathe
~ to read more
~ to regain my happy outlook on life.
i am...
(this is not one of my better more coherent entries. read at your own risk)
... going to be positive. [edit: HA. That didn't work.]
Reading through old entries is quite the experience. I dislike using names, so I had a hard time remembering who I was talking about. I suppose it's a good thing that I can't really who I was talking about in some entries. If somebody showed me one of my old entries, I probably wouldn't recognize it.
"Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, 'cause I might do something crazy like believe it." - 3/11/04
The optimistic residue of high school needs to wash off real fast. I just need to believe that it will not work out anyways so I stop wondering about it.
Shaking is bad.
I'm good at self-sabotage, let's just get it over with.
If I didn't think I know what the reaction will be, I'd just do it in a heartbeat. But I don't want to hear "aww... I'm sorry" and have an awkward hugging moment. That's exactly what would happen and I'm more scared of that than I am of actually being rejected. Hell, I'm basically asking to be rejected right now. I didn't realize how needy I was getting. I pretty much can't do anything else. I freak out about it, then I freak out about freaking out about it. Then it gets stupid, and then I obsess about how stupid it is.
I just want it to be over.
I'm sorry this entry was so lame.
... going to be positive. [edit: HA. That didn't work.]
Reading through old entries is quite the experience. I dislike using names, so I had a hard time remembering who I was talking about. I suppose it's a good thing that I can't really who I was talking about in some entries. If somebody showed me one of my old entries, I probably wouldn't recognize it.
"Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, 'cause I might do something crazy like believe it." - 3/11/04
The optimistic residue of high school needs to wash off real fast. I just need to believe that it will not work out anyways so I stop wondering about it.
Shaking is bad.
I'm good at self-sabotage, let's just get it over with.
If I didn't think I know what the reaction will be, I'd just do it in a heartbeat. But I don't want to hear "aww... I'm sorry" and have an awkward hugging moment. That's exactly what would happen and I'm more scared of that than I am of actually being rejected. Hell, I'm basically asking to be rejected right now. I didn't realize how needy I was getting. I pretty much can't do anything else. I freak out about it, then I freak out about freaking out about it. Then it gets stupid, and then I obsess about how stupid it is.
I just want it to be over.
I'm sorry this entry was so lame.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
ignore please
I know I'm a bad person sometimes. I used to think that at least it is better than not knowing. While it's still better than, it's not really good enough. Making things more complicated never really helped anyone but driving yourself crazy seems almost less helpful. Am I selfish in that I'm not willing to go crazy for everybody else's sake? Why do people do things they don't mean? I don't exclude myself from this category of "people". I've definitely done it. I'm not proud of it, but I refuse to decieve myself about it. I just want to know one way or another. At this point, I don't even really care what it is, I just want to stop guessing. I always think that "well, if they knew then they wouldn't do [insert bad choices here]." Past experience has proven otherwise. I hate when other people guess at my feelings, why can't I just do what I make everybody else do? I don't want to lose people just because I can't handle it. Just like I don't wnat to drop anything because I can't handle it. I can totally handle it. Maybe it's self-deception. But then again, I've gotten quite good at it.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
cynicism...
... is pouring out of my ears.
You can't be dating the wrong person if you're not dating anybody at all. You also can't be dating the right person. But at least you're not dating the wrong one.
You can't be dating the wrong person if you're not dating anybody at all. You also can't be dating the right person. But at least you're not dating the wrong one.
nathan's song...
... that he probably hates now because I messed with it.
*************************************
And I count to, one two three,
Then I slowly turn around to
See if you're still next to me.
If you are then I wonder
silently to myself if
you really want to be here.
Cuz we do things we mean to
we do things we don't
How can I tell if you do or you don't.
You say one but then you
act the other way.
But then do I do the same thing to you?
Then I wait, one two three,
wait to see if you'll begin to
tell me exactly what you need.
But if you asked me to
answer my own questions to
you I don't know that I can.
Cuz we do things we mean to
we do things we don't
How can I tell if you do or you don't.
You say one but then you
act the other way.
But then do I do the same thing to you?
You say this you mean that
Do you expect me to tell
between real and make believe.
Cuz we do things we mean to
we do things we don't
How can I tell if you do or you don't.
You say one but then you
act the other way.
But then do I do the same thing to you?
(optional happy ending)
I count to, one two three
then I slowly open my eyes
to see you here with me.
******************************
My first attempt at lyrics. Because I forgot to chorus I had to make that up. I'm not sure how the bridge goes yet. This is probably awful, but that's okay. I am okay with not being perfect. Can't really believe I'm putting this up, but since I don't think anybody reads it, I'm still pretty safe.
*************************************
And I count to, one two three,
Then I slowly turn around to
See if you're still next to me.
If you are then I wonder
silently to myself if
you really want to be here.
Cuz we do things we mean to
we do things we don't
How can I tell if you do or you don't.
You say one but then you
act the other way.
But then do I do the same thing to you?
Then I wait, one two three,
wait to see if you'll begin to
tell me exactly what you need.
But if you asked me to
answer my own questions to
you I don't know that I can.
Cuz we do things we mean to
we do things we don't
How can I tell if you do or you don't.
You say one but then you
act the other way.
But then do I do the same thing to you?
You say this you mean that
Do you expect me to tell
between real and make believe.
Cuz we do things we mean to
we do things we don't
How can I tell if you do or you don't.
You say one but then you
act the other way.
But then do I do the same thing to you?
(optional happy ending)
I count to, one two three
then I slowly open my eyes
to see you here with me.
******************************
My first attempt at lyrics. Because I forgot to chorus I had to make that up. I'm not sure how the bridge goes yet. This is probably awful, but that's okay. I am okay with not being perfect. Can't really believe I'm putting this up, but since I don't think anybody reads it, I'm still pretty safe.
Monday, April 10, 2006
is indifference...
... really worse than either extreme?
So I went to see a counselor, because the Tang Center told me to. His suggestion: "Relax." Wow. Really?
I think I'm relaxed. Maybe I'm just as good at self-deception as I'm good at self-sabotage.
I have been sleeping better for the last two days. Knock on wood. I've also been seeing the same two people for the past five days. It's amazing what you do/don't make time for. Maybe it makes me a bad person. But being able to lounge at three am and have it just be comfortable is nice. Maybe it's nice because there are no strings attached, no awkward conversations. Can I be content without making things more difficult?
I should call somebody back. But I feel like I can't have that conversation without being defensive to start with. And it's not as if they are making me defensive. It's the guilty-conscience syndrome.
On the couch, I attempt to sleep, again. We'll see how this goes.
I just want to be okay. I don't think I deserve to have a completely shitty life nor do I feel entitled to have a fabulous one.
Sorry for the incoherency. It's my life.
So I went to see a counselor, because the Tang Center told me to. His suggestion: "Relax." Wow. Really?
I think I'm relaxed. Maybe I'm just as good at self-deception as I'm good at self-sabotage.
I have been sleeping better for the last two days. Knock on wood. I've also been seeing the same two people for the past five days. It's amazing what you do/don't make time for. Maybe it makes me a bad person. But being able to lounge at three am and have it just be comfortable is nice. Maybe it's nice because there are no strings attached, no awkward conversations. Can I be content without making things more difficult?
I should call somebody back. But I feel like I can't have that conversation without being defensive to start with. And it's not as if they are making me defensive. It's the guilty-conscience syndrome.
On the couch, I attempt to sleep, again. We'll see how this goes.
I just want to be okay. I don't think I deserve to have a completely shitty life nor do I feel entitled to have a fabulous one.
Sorry for the incoherency. It's my life.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
spring break...
was amazing! one more real day. :(
Day 5
slept in the wee hours, after it was light (probably a bad idea, but it was a good feeling... to be up because i wanted to be)
got up "at 9" to go hang out in bostonate leftover catfish (such a legit breakfast)
met some of irene's friends
drank a smoothie (thanks jonathan!)
hung out with jessica
toured mit
toured boston
ate dinner at quincey market
bought pastries at mike's pastries
hung out at random
watched simpsons, csi, law and order (and probably pissed off phil's housemate... sorry!)
hung out with chris yang
sent jessica kuo home (thanks thomas!)
saw her gorgeous dorm
went back to burton-conner
went to random (sorry irene)
back to burton-conner
passed out
I don't think I've thoroughly enjoyed myself quite this much in a while. The east coast has MUCH better weather than here, unfortunately. A whirlwind "college tour" after a year and a half of college came at the right time. Thanks everyone for making it what it was.
Here's to the rest of spring break! (all one more day of it)
Day 5
slept in the wee hours, after it was light (probably a bad idea, but it was a good feeling... to be up because i wanted to be)
got up "at 9" to go hang out in bostonate leftover catfish (such a legit breakfast)
met some of irene's friends
drank a smoothie (thanks jonathan!)
hung out with jessica
toured mit
toured boston
ate dinner at quincey market
bought pastries at mike's pastries
hung out at random
watched simpsons, csi, law and order (and probably pissed off phil's housemate... sorry!)
hung out with chris yang
sent jessica kuo home (thanks thomas!)
saw her gorgeous dorm
went back to burton-conner
went to random (sorry irene)
back to burton-conner
passed out
I don't think I've thoroughly enjoyed myself quite this much in a while. The east coast has MUCH better weather than here, unfortunately. A whirlwind "college tour" after a year and a half of college came at the right time. Thanks everyone for making it what it was.
Here's to the rest of spring break! (all one more day of it)
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
hanging out with friends...
can be a very good thing.
Thanks Irene, for putting up with my indecision and my annoying habits (and for talking to me on long bus rides, waking me up when I'm sleeping inappropriately, and letting me stay with you) (and for everything else as well).
Thanks Jess, for letting us crash at your place, for showing us around Yale, for playing your viola so gorgeously. Yale is amazing, both in what they offer and the physical beauty of the place.
Thanks Chris, for "showing us NY", for making fun of me, for letting me make fun of you.
Thanks Alex, for letting us crash your place, for letting us in when you had a paper to write, for giving us suggestions for what to do in NYC.
Thanks Caryn, for getting up super early to meet us in Chinatown, for (kinda) getting us to the dim sum place, for calling your family about five times to get us where we needed to be.
I hope I never win an award. My thank you list would be enormous. No worries, though, hopefully, but the end of everything, I will have thanked everyone I need to thank. This was just from the first four days of spring break.
********************************************************
Day 1: SFO-BOS
got up super early to go to the airport
slept and woke up in boston
irene and phil came to get me from the airport. thanks!
dropped stuff off at random
ate dinner at picante
Day 2: Boston - New Haven
got up kinda early
took the bus to new haven (greyhound needs to sync their online stuff and their ACTUAL schedules... we bought a non-existant ticket online and then they made us buy another one because their systems are messed up. remind me to call them to get a refund.)
met up with jess in new haven
walked around with her parents and her
took naps (intermittently throughout my entire trip)
planned our nyc trip
saw jess's concert! she was amazing
ate ice cream at Ashley's (chocolate oreo and heath bar)
conked out
Day 3: New Haven - New York City
ate breakfast at a cafe/bookstore. gotta love those
walked around yale (beautiful school. and a carillon at the corner of branford!)
took train to nyc
ate ghetto lunch in front of the ny public library
strolled along 5th ave to moma (decided we weren't dressed for Saks so we moved on)
admired lots of art
met up with chris at central park
walked lesiurely around the park (more like killing time and being indecisive)
ate dinner at kenka for some cheap japanese food (grilled salted salmon)
went to a ukranian bar (with some interesting conversation with chris's friend rachel)
found the subway station
took the subway to columbia
made alex come find us
quick-toured columbia
crashed at alex's (two-story suites. not a bad deal, i like the set-up a lot. kitchen/eating space/living room up top, rooms and bathroom on the bottom
Day 4: New York City - Boston
walked around columbia
ate breakfast at hudson? river
subway-ed to chinatown (and didn't get lost)
bought cheap clip-watch
took the "scenic route" to dim sum go go
ate yummy food
bought egg custard tarts
found chinatown bus
napped on bus (that didn't burn up)
ate dinner at border's cafe in harvard square (yum mango salsa with lots of catfish)
quick-toured harvard in the dark
bought an origami and killer sudoku book at the harvard bookstore (can you say addiction?)
visited wilg (women's independent living group - irene's new home next year)
ate ice cream at toscanini's (coffe ice cream sandwich and grasshopper)
back to burton-conner (irene's dorm) to organize email and catch up
One more day, then back to Saratoga. I want to see EVERYBODY and enjoy my last three days, so let's plan something! (or at least block out some time for it).
PS. I am sleeping SO much better now.
Thanks Irene, for putting up with my indecision and my annoying habits (and for talking to me on long bus rides, waking me up when I'm sleeping inappropriately, and letting me stay with you) (and for everything else as well).
Thanks Jess, for letting us crash at your place, for showing us around Yale, for playing your viola so gorgeously. Yale is amazing, both in what they offer and the physical beauty of the place.
Thanks Chris, for "showing us NY", for making fun of me, for letting me make fun of you.
Thanks Alex, for letting us crash your place, for letting us in when you had a paper to write, for giving us suggestions for what to do in NYC.
Thanks Caryn, for getting up super early to meet us in Chinatown, for (kinda) getting us to the dim sum place, for calling your family about five times to get us where we needed to be.
I hope I never win an award. My thank you list would be enormous. No worries, though, hopefully, but the end of everything, I will have thanked everyone I need to thank. This was just from the first four days of spring break.
********************************************************
Day 1: SFO-BOS
got up super early to go to the airport
slept and woke up in boston
irene and phil came to get me from the airport. thanks!
dropped stuff off at random
ate dinner at picante
Day 2: Boston - New Haven
got up kinda early
took the bus to new haven (greyhound needs to sync their online stuff and their ACTUAL schedules... we bought a non-existant ticket online and then they made us buy another one because their systems are messed up. remind me to call them to get a refund.)
met up with jess in new haven
walked around with her parents and her
took naps (intermittently throughout my entire trip)
planned our nyc trip
saw jess's concert! she was amazing
ate ice cream at Ashley's (chocolate oreo and heath bar)
conked out
Day 3: New Haven - New York City
ate breakfast at a cafe/bookstore. gotta love those
walked around yale (beautiful school. and a carillon at the corner of branford!)
took train to nyc
ate ghetto lunch in front of the ny public library
strolled along 5th ave to moma (decided we weren't dressed for Saks so we moved on)
admired lots of art
met up with chris at central park
walked lesiurely around the park (more like killing time and being indecisive)
ate dinner at kenka for some cheap japanese food (grilled salted salmon)
went to a ukranian bar (with some interesting conversation with chris's friend rachel)
found the subway station
took the subway to columbia
made alex come find us
quick-toured columbia
crashed at alex's (two-story suites. not a bad deal, i like the set-up a lot. kitchen/eating space/living room up top, rooms and bathroom on the bottom
Day 4: New York City - Boston
walked around columbia
ate breakfast at hudson? river
subway-ed to chinatown (and didn't get lost)
bought cheap clip-watch
took the "scenic route" to dim sum go go
ate yummy food
bought egg custard tarts
found chinatown bus
napped on bus (that didn't burn up)
ate dinner at border's cafe in harvard square (yum mango salsa with lots of catfish)
quick-toured harvard in the dark
bought an origami and killer sudoku book at the harvard bookstore (can you say addiction?)
visited wilg (women's independent living group - irene's new home next year)
ate ice cream at toscanini's (coffe ice cream sandwich and grasshopper)
back to burton-conner (irene's dorm) to organize email and catch up
One more day, then back to Saratoga. I want to see EVERYBODY and enjoy my last three days, so let's plan something! (or at least block out some time for it).
PS. I am sleeping SO much better now.
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