visiting old friends

This break, I saw more friends than I thought I would and I knitted less than I had hoped. And that's okay! During my very short stay at home so far, I have been able to see countless friends and family friends through all sorts of events. There were the potlucks and the parties, where massive amounts of food were consumed, the individual hang-outs, at the coffee shop or the lunch place, the late night visits, either at In-n-Out or at a very nice person's house. We had the catch-up conversations, the planning conversations, the more philosophical conversations.

All these conversations give me the chance to solidify my thoughts, something to give shape to the ideas floating inside my head that I don't crystallize on my own. I talked about education more in these last two weeks than I have my entire life. What I realize is that I'm not the only one who cares (by a long shot!). Everybody I have talked to has some sort of opinion and insight into how the education problem can begin to be fixed. This is extremely encouraging to me! The fight for educating students doesn't start and end with teachers. That is simply one portion of the puzzle. For students to truly be successful, they must have strong teachers, mentors, role models, family members, community members, etc. The more support they have, either by way of example or by conversation, the better off and more informed they will be.

Whatever career you choose to take, you CAN impact somebody's education. For some, that might mean saving box-tops from cereals and other packaged foods, others, signing up for e-scrip, still others, showing up to those performances and games. I hope that by the time we have our own kids or are around other people's kids, we'll remember all the things that people did to support us and clear a Saturday afternoon to catch a matinee performance or a soccer game.

There are so many things to talk about regarding education! This is just a start to what one can do easily.

I am glad that my friends are doing well in their own lives, and I am hopeful that we can make a difference, even if it starts by talking about education over coffee or tea. :)

over or underwhelmed

I'm not quite sure which it is.

I am overwhelmed a little by:

• everybody being home, especially my sister
• all my stuff (I really need to donate some things)
• all the things that I want to do (and haven't done)
• education. I am overwhelmed and excited. I need to decide what I want to teach!

I am underwhelmed by:

• how much I want to just stay in bed sometime
• my lack of desire to leave the house sometimes
• how sleepy/lazy I feel

There are so many things to do! So much that's it's hard to get started. I have been meaning to write for awhile now, and just didn't get to it. I should take my own advice: create smaller (achievable) goals, while working to fulfill those big goals!

too

there are too many things to do, too many places to see, too many words to read, too many sounds to hear, too many people to love

there is too little time in a day, too few days in my life, too little resources to devote

Was today, irregardless of yesterday or the day before, worth it? I do not mean whether I accomplished all my life goals today or not, but whether I am proud of this day or not.

It was and I am.

Giving Thanks

This long weekend has been a whirlwind of family, friends, potlucks, foods, and fun. I can't believe I considered not coming home for Thanksgiving. Not being in the area, I just don't feel quite as connected to everybody as I used to be.

Wed:
I got home around 12:30am and my parents stayed up until 2am to talk to me! Even though, sometimes, my parents are night owls, I was still touched that they missed me and wanted to talk to me enough to give up so much sleep.

Thu:
After waking up at an ungodly hour (due to the time difference), I continued to talk to my parents extensively. Maybe we don't agree on everything (let's face it, we don't), but I'm excited that we're at the point where at least we can talk about everything. I'm at the age now when I don't really have to ask to make a choice, but I would still rather my parents approve or at least support whatever I choose to do. And, even if I hate admitting it, sometimes they make a good point.

Still Thu:
We gather together with my family friends for all major holidays and some birthdays (we used to do "surprise" sweet sixteen birthday parties, complete with wands and capes.... nevermind). It was nice to see everybody and hear what they're up to. I'm sort of glad I didn't talk to the adults quite as much this time, just being everything is so up in the air/controversial/undecided.

Fri:
I had lots of high school friends over for non-lunch food, and we still had a ton left over. I went to the farmer's market at Vallco in the morning to stock up on some fruit, and then I checked out the new Trader Joe's to finish up my shopping. I love catching up with these friends because I don't get to see the much, and it's so interesting to see what everybody is doing. There's still a pretty healthy range of things that folks are doing: some are working, in school, figuring it out, living with boyfriends, living at home, etc.

Fri Evening:
We had dinner with family friends from high school. Sort of. All the kids are younger than me, but we had a lively discussion with the parents and the kids (now that we're all old enough to participate). I love that I can talk to the parents now and have a conversation. One more than "how's school?"

Sat:
Shopped briefly with a good friend from high school. Bought some of the items on my Christmas gift list, but I'll have to keep working on that. We had more people over for dinner and had fun playing with the kids (ages 8 and 10). They left early to get the kids to sleep, and then we embarked on a loud conversation about my dad, my dad's family, and other people we knew. We don't get rambunctious that often, but this was definitely one of those times. Everybody talked louder, but had a blast. I'm excited to have those more with my family.

Sun:
I'm starting to pack up before eating two lunches before going to the airport. It'll be nice to get back and settle in. It will probably not be nice to work tomorrow. Back to the real life!

When is it okay to lie?

In a Junior English class last week, the students were asked a question: If you were wrongly accused of a crime, but will be let off if you confess, would you do it? If you continue to claim your innocence, you will be hanged. What would you do?

This question comes out of the current topic: Salem witchcraft trials. The reaction was mixed. To those who said they would not confess, the teachers asked, "Have you ever lied before, in your entire life?"

I won't lie now. I absolutely have lied before in the past. If you ask me, however, what I would do in that situation, it would be very hard for me to say that I was guilty, if I knew I was not. Would I be willing to give my life for it? Probably not, to be honest. But, if this was a purely theoretical question, I would emphatically tell you that of COURSE I wouldn't admit to a crime that I didn't commit. What's the difference? I value my life more than I value whether people think I committed a crime, especially if the situation was made clear. Why should I throw the rest of my life away just to prove a point? On the other hand, why do I have such a hard time admitting that I would disregard my principles of telling the truth to save my life? I want to believe that my principles mean something.

What I have gathered is that while my principles do mean something, they don't always mean AS MUCH. Especially if my life is on the line. I can live and spend the rest of my life living my principles, but I don't get that chance if I choose that moment to be stubborn.

Why is it okay to tell lies to parents, to friends, but when it comes to telling a lie that can only help save your skin, we freak out and bring out all these principles that we would be going against.

Is it okay to lie? When?

"I'm a big kid now" - Band Aid Commercial?

What do you want to be when you grow up? I'm sure I, like so many adults before me, will be asking this question often, especially during this summer teaching kindy classes, and next year, working with juniors in high school. Typically, the answers include: astronaut, teacher, president, artist, but what does growing up really mean? Is it just a job? Is it what you fill in the “occupation” or “job title” blank?

I like to think that growing up goes beyond a job title. Growing up includes having a job, hopefully, one you enjoy, but more importantly, the job provides financial security, part of the the process for growing up. It's not just the job, though, it is also being independent and taking care of yourself and others, being responsible for your own life, setting your own alarm, getting up on your own in the morning, and doing the things you want.

Even though growing up means doing things independently and on your own, it doesn't mean we have to grow up on our own. I've had lots of help! Leaving California was the most grown-up thing I've done. I grew a lot in high school and in college, but the fact was, I lived either at home, or very close to home and always had a lot of support from my family. After I graduated, I lived in Berkeley, but went home every weekend. There's only so grown-up you can get when your mom still cooks for you.

Coming to Illinois, my parents were fairly uninvolved. They had opinions, of course, but they didn't look at apartments for me, they didn't look at my lease, they didn't book my plane ticket. They said I could come, and there ended their greatest involvement in my leaving. My mom doesn't even ask me if I've done my laundry, or if I'm getting up on time. She assumes everything is fine unless told otherwise.

When my dad stopped giving me money, though, right after I graduated from college, I felt the most financially independent. I watch my bank accounts now like a hawk, and calculate when I'm getting paid and when I have to pay my credit card all the time now, but it felt so good to pay rent and everything on my own. I mean, I'd love if somebody did pay it for me, but, the idea that I can absolutely take care of myself financially is wonderful.

I'm not completely an adult, yet, though. I still call my parents and get their okay before signing a new lease. I make sure it's okay to go to Los Angeles for a week before buying bus tickets. Maybe it means I'm still holding off adulthood, simply that, unlike many other young adults, I still like my parents.

Honesty...

or what we want to hear.

We've all been there. We ask a question with a clear idea of what we do and do not want to hear. It is so easy to react negatively when we hear what we don't want to hear. What message does that send though? Say what I want to hear and I won't get mad. Say what I don't want to hear and I'll get angry. What will this person learn? Say the "right thing" and nobody gets mad. Often, this leads to lying or at the very least, stretching the truth.

It's easy to say "tell me the truth." However, if I overreact every time somebody tells me a truth that I don't want to hear, they'll learn. They'll learn to say the right things and stay out of trouble.

Consequently, if I don't pay enough attention, it would be easy to mistake their right answers as their agreeing with me. Is it, though? If I willingly allow myself to stay in denial, I will only be more surprised (and angry) when I find out the truth. Then, I say, "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

Why, indeed. They were trying to keep you from being mad, and therefore spoke an untruth. Of course, it comes back to bite them anyways because I accuse them of not having stated their opinion earlier.

"But I asked!" I might think to myself. True, I did speak the words, but my actions, over a period of time, did not match that. In the end, it is the actions that others believe.

It is difficult to let go of these bad habits, but until we do, we remain blind to the truths sitting in front of us. Letting go requires patience, persistence, and practice. The results, however, are more honest and open conversations, earlier detection of issues, and clarity in the understanding of the situation.

Shouldn't we be doing everything we can to minimize misunderstanding?

The Plan...

... is to come back in the fall and live across the street from Central High School. I want to work there for one more year before starting a masters program (meaning I'll be applying next year). Hopefully, I'll get to do some more work with the special ed department and really get an idea of life as a special ed teacher (also casework and co-teacher). Armed with this experience, I will be much better prepared for a masters program in special education.

In the meantime, I will make sure that special education is what I really want to teach, keeping in mind my other options of math, ESL, or literacy. I'm anxious to get started teaching, but I also want to make sure my student is at a good place before I leave him to fend for himself.

My goal for him is to not need an aide with him the entire day by his senior year. That's a little ambitious, but he's a smart kid, and when encouraged and motivated, can make amazing progress.

Progress, once acknowledged, will quickly lead to more progress.

a quick update

Since graduation last May, I have:

• toured Los Angeles with the UC Chorales
• worked at SCORE! Educational Centers for six months
• sang with UC Alumni Chorus for a semester
  
• traveled to Taiwan for three weeks
• moved to Champaign, IL (at least until June)
• crocheted a hat
  
• started work at Central High School
• joined The Chorale
• accepted a part-time temporary position with Pearson Assessments
• enrolled in an online stats class

I am in the process of:

• looking for summer work
• figuring out "the plan" for next year
• trying to keep in touch with everybody that I miss
• looking for my knitting needles
• reading lots of books
• cooking a lot more
• playing zack and wiki on the wii and daigasso band brothers on the ds

It's been fun out here in the midwest so far, but I am super excited to come home for the summer!

Controlling Misery/Happiness

"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy."

A random quote I stumbled upon in Google Feeds. Seems silly, doesn't it? Even so, I understand a little of what the quoted person meant.

Control. That's really all it is. If I believe I can control my destiny, and I can't seem to make myself happy, then I am a failure. However, I CAN make myself miserable. This is much easier than making myself happy. And I know that I did that. I had that control. I had that ability to make myself that way.

Why is it so hard to be happy? It's much less explainable. The things that make us the most happy sometimes aren't as straightforward as the things that make us sad. I can be sad because somebody was mean to me, because I didn't accomplish something, because I am still stuck on something I have been stuck on forever. What makes me happy? A beautiful day, an appropriately timed peck on the cheek, a kind word spoken by somebody at exactly the right moment.

Sometimes, we can do all the right things and still not be happy. This in itself is frustrating. It's even more so when we know we have the capability to control our happiness. Yet sometimes it is still unattainable. Instead of facing that and being happy with what we have done so far, reveling in the process, and basking in the hope of what is to come, we falter; we think, if I try so hard and still fail, maybe I should just fail better. Fail bigger. We sabotage ourselves so we can admire our own handiwork.

Although this is far from pure speculation, I have moved past of most of this and am allowing myself to feel happiness. To not question it too much. To let it be.

Sometimes, the absence of trying is all that is needed to feel the pure happiness that has already been presented to us.

little itty bit-eee

In short: I arrived in Taiwan on 1/22 and I leave on 2/11. In Taiwan, I met countless relatives and ate loads of good food. Yesterday (I think), I acquired a brand new toy! It has a 7 in screen, 512mb of RAM, 4gb of flash memory and runs on NOT MICROSOFT (Linux).

In long: There are so many things to think about, so many bits of meaningful conversations I have had with folks, so many new angles and ideas to discuss that I utterly fail at doing it all. I think the topics that come up the most include: family, children, marriage, and all things related.

Family: It's definitely different being in the homeland for Chinese New Year: much more of an event than at home, although we do try pretty hard every year to achieve some of the festivities. My dad, his brother, and his sister (all three children) made the trip back to Taiwan this year. My aunt has not been back for 23 years (for the New Year, not to Taiwan). My grandmother complains about the noise of all of us invading their house, but not-so-secretly, she's super happy that we're all here. Even my grandfather, who spends most of his time on the couch watching TV or in his room calculating stocks comes out to socialize a bit and join in on the fun. In addition to the three children, my mom and my dad's brother's wife both are here as well. I'm here representing the grandchildren (by way of graduating early and being employed, and then unemployed, and thus able to take a three week vacation).

Everybody also has a different opinion about marriage. Maybe those will get shared later...

Writing some is better than none, so at least I got started!