Questions, Happily Ever After

Questions to consider:

Where do I want to live?
Options: same apt, new apt in Berkeley, home (Cupertino), close to job (biking/walking)
First Choice: something in Berkeley

What do I want to do?
Options (all dependent on GETTING the job): TFA, SF Symphony, ECYS, office work
First Choice: SF Symphony

I suppose those are the only big questions.
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It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.
- Margaret Bonnano

10 minute reflection on this:
"Ever after", much like "forever" and "normal", exist because they don't. I mean "ever after" and "forever" exists, but only when it happens, and by then it is now, and normal only exists because there are such extremes. You can't plan for happiness. One can make preparations, one can hope for the best, but if one lives in making these plans, one's current happiness will never be achieved. What happens six months from now is exactly that: something that happens six months from now. And that's something that cannot be controlled. What one CAN control are the choices one makes for tonight, for tomorrow, and what's the harm in making the choices that makes one happy?

Looking at the next couple months makes me so apprehensive. I don't know where I'm living, who I'm living with, what I'm doing, whether I like what I'll be doing, and many more uncertainties. But I can't worry about that. I need to focus on now: applying for the job (and worrying about it if I get it) and figuring out my options. I have no doubt that I can find a job that pays well enough to pay rent and food and little luxuries. I would love to be in Berkeley, but I'm afraid of staying for the "wrong reasons". But if it's my reason, why does it have to be wrong?

I want my parents to support what I do, where I live. I don't want them to permanently have bad feelings about where I'm living, why I didn't come home, along with other choices I make. At the same time, I feel like there are things I cannot talk to my parents about. Things they choose not to deal with, things they choose to ignore.

Really? I want to make my own choices and still be able to watch TV with my mother.

Feeling Thankful

I am lucky in so many ways. I will glory in that luckiness. Not shove-it-in-somebody-else's-face kind of glory, but in a I-appreciate-every-moment sort of glory. I will bask in the warmth of everything that is my life, that is everything that makes my life.

Day after Thanksgiving fondue. Fondue has become such a needed tradition. Just because we're in college doesn't mean we can't have fun without alcohol. Chocolate is amazing stuff. As are board games, both of our childhood and the newer games.

He's going to come visit. It's only a two days and one night. I want to show off my family, my friends, my hometown, even if I do have my issues with it.

Plan so far:
Fri: arrive, library?, downtown, dinner with the fam, fondue/games with the hs gang
Sat: farmer's market, lunch with the fam, sister to airport, dad to airport/return to berkeley

Hopefully, I'll have spent enough time with my parents to make this all okay. I'm all theirs on Thursday, so... Maybe I will be nice and stay until Sunday.

Missing everybody doesn't really hit me until I start talking to people about coming back, until I start planning for the get-togethers. Even if it seems like I'm fine not talking to everybody for such a long time, I do miss people, and count down until I go home to run into them at Safeway, at Tap-x, just driving around. It might be as much of "home" as it used to be, but it's still home. I still miss it.

This has been a good week. I've slept early, and gradually made my way over to the gym for pilates or yoga classes. I'm an hour late going to sleep, but hopefully I'll get my butt over to pilates tomorrow. ^.^

Thank you, everybody. For everything. I shall be more specific later, perhaps. For now, adieu, and good night.

-4:00 and counting

I now have -4 minutes to write this before I fall into my bed to rest in peaceful slumber.

I have realized that I talk things to death. I mean, if *I get sick of it, can you imagine everyone else? That's not to say I only worry about unimportant matters, but it does mean that I over-worry and bore everybody to death. Maybe not death, that's morbid.

I am slowly letting go of everything. The trick is to not let go until you can, and then to let it go when you can. A wonderful gal in women's chorale saved my neck by assuming my section leader duties, and the officers in UCCE are wonderful about making sure I'm not too stressed out. I need to find BareStage a new Managing Director, and encourage people run for an UCCE Officer position next year. There are girls that are ready to take on more definite positions of leadership, and that makes me happy.

I'm great at making time for other people, and until recently, have not been great at making time for myself. That, I think, is changing this semseter, for better or for worse. A friend put it very well when she said, "You have to make time to do nothing." And while I can't do that ALL of the time, it certainly doesn't hurt to do it some of the time. It's nice to just go home and relax, after getting some work done at school. It's nice to just rest with somebody at the end of the day. It's nice to settle into bed at a relatively normal hour and know that there's always tomorrow. Well, usually there's tomorrow. There's the morbidity again.

Now I'm officially really late in going to bed.

There do exist lots of things to worry about, but I will remember that at the same time, there exist a lot of things to delight in.

LIKE SLEEP. 1 hour and 10 minutes later, off I go. I'm not nearly done with all I every have to say, but if that day comes, wouldn't life be boring afterwards?

Don't take anything for granted and don't be afraid to love the silly little things.

I'll do my best.

Love the Little Things

I love:

• that people still use dictionaries, the hard ones, not the online ones
• staying in bed until 1pm (every once in a while)
• falling asleep while talking at 3am
• being able to sleep
• biking!
• watching free theater
• watching cheap theater (with a n amazing view of the orchestra)
• people coming over
• teahouse
• sleeping
• being in bed
• reading

appreciate everything

... so that's a pretty tall order, but I will try.

Things I've done recently:

• ran 2-3 miles twice
• biked to the Berkeley Marina
• watched Thank You For Smoking
• hiked at Mt. Diablo
• sat at the Berkeley Rose Garden
• made food a couple times (and the subjects are still alive!)
• started reading Chinese
• went to "sweet potatoes" with my family and our family friends (yes I realize it's sweet tomatoes, but my dad can't get it right and I think it's cute)
  

Life is good. And it's time to stop worrying and just have fun. As for next year, it seems like I will have been graduated by this time next year. If the classes really decide to be stupid, I think I'm commuting or something to finish up, unless I make enough money to live in Berkeley. Or I'll do a credentialing program of sorts. Or something.

I hope my appreciation shows through the endless teasing. I hope he knows. I hope I know. Truly know, not just "know" for the sake of knowing.

Choir's going to be wonderful, "social rehearsals" = fun stuff. Great people, fabulous friends. BareStage is kicking off on Wednesday. School's just getting started, even if it may end soon for me.

I will sleep more. Starting now. Thanks for listening.

Summer Recap

Ah. End of summer = time, yet again, for (attempting) reflection.

What I've done:

• traveled to Taiwan by myself, more or less
• went to a doctor in China
• got IV shots for the first time
• went to an acupuncturist
• "fixed" my skin problems
• limited greatly the types of food, especially meat, I can eat
• seen (and yes, this is for shock value) 4 amphitheater plays, 5 free plays, for a total of 8 plays/musicals (bigger than jesus, restoration comedy, ennio, happy end, ragtime, rent, much ado about nothing, merchant of venice)
• hung out lots with certain people
• entertained mobs of people at my gorgeous apt
• purchased $150 worth of groceries in one go, then $185 at costco. there goes working this summer
• started biking. I suppose I'm still in the process of starting, I haven't gotten very much better
• sat in the rose garden in Berkeley
• did NOT go to Oregon
• attended yoga class at ungodly hours of the morning
• worked for insane hours, not all of which was paid
• did lots of barestage work for the year
• walked in San Francisco more times than I have my entire LIFE
• walked the Golden Gate Bridge
• welcomed home a crazy friend who biked cross country
• made a website. More exciting to me than you, I'm sure

I have discovered:

• I want to go somewhere by myself. Live by myself, and travel by myself. Meeting up with friends occassionally is fine, but I want to go somewhere where I'm not living with family or friends.
• I like html/the concept of programming much more than I knew. Unfortunately, I'm trying to graduate. Fortunately, my dad has an enormous java book and I have tons of friends that program. ^.^s
• I worry about things more than I should, more than is healthy. I'm also good at talking myself into things I didn't previously believe.
• I am a workaholic. I am really bad at leaving or saying no. I do not have healthy eating habits. Nor sleeping habits, for that matter.
• I like reading. A lot. The reason I don't like reading non-fiction is because I feel like it is less okay to be disappointed; whereas, there is so much bad fiction out there that one simply cannot expect everything to be good.
• I will read almost anything. Especially if it is delivered.
• I still want to do too much. I think I frustrate people.
• I am extremely lucky: in the friends I have, the adults that I have met, the people that I work with, the family I have. There are times I doubt I am ready to leave this all behind.

What I'm not proud of:

• staying up too late
• not getting up early enough
• allowing that to be an excuse
• almost making the possibly biggest mistake of my life, thus far
• not getting as much work done
• not making it to yoga every day
• not spending more time with my cousins
• stressing myself, and by extension, others out
• talking myself into insecurities and doubts

What I AM proud of:

• freaking out less
• not going to Canada
• not eating all the food I wasn't supposed to eat
• not playing heroes v for over a week
• working
• not being a hermit for the entire summer
• shortening a five hour meeting to three (although it MAY be because I talk fast)
• keeping in touch with friends even if they weren't here
• making it home a couple times a week when my dad came/left, my cousins came/left, more important family things
• not being quite as addicted to my computer
• making an origami tesselation
• keeping my room somewhat clean
• cooking for 15 people

Thank you for a wonderful summer! Here's to a beautiful year to come.

still good

I love visitors! Especially when I have a gorgeous apartment to show off (thank you to you-know-who). Although, lots of visitors means a lot of eating out for me. I've had to throw food away because it keeps going bad. :(

In good food news, I went to Berkeley Bowl again (heaven of my life), and bought yummy blueberries. I LOVE blueberries. I also overdosed a little bit in the Walgreen dollar sale department. Oops.

Not much to say, I guess, been living the life! The retired life, as Irene would say. But yoga, books, and frisbee will keep me pretty busy. On top of seeing my friends, which doesn't seem to be happening quite as much as it should be. I sit sometimes, just looking outside and feel spoiled as heck.

I walked over to the rose garden the other day with a friend. It's amazingly gorgeous. We just walked around and sat around and spent a lazy afternoon, albeit with a lot of walking. Then I went to Zachary's with people. CRAZY. You have to WAIT for a WAIT TIME. It was ridiculous, but yummy. Last week, nine people slept at my apartment. So feel free to come visit!

I guess I'm trying not to forget how wonderful my summer is. I hope I don't ever.

Let's have fun. I'll have a bike by Thursday, and I'm looking forward to exploring Berkeley!

good times

Basically, my face is allergic to sweat or heat. Something like that. It's lame and gross. Basically, I can't run during the day anymore. Maybe I'll take up cycling, or just work harder at frisbee. Or just bringing a little spray thing with me to keep my face cool, but no running for me until I'm better. Bah. But I'm actually trying at frisbee now! Which means I'm running into people, falling down, and bruising my fingers. But I'm less scared, and am excited about actually getting better!

I might be seeing a show this weekend, it depends on who wants to go with me. ^.^ A friend from hs came up yesterday to play frisbee and to hang out, yay for good late falling-asleep convos! Another friend's coming today. My cousin came for two days, and my parents and family friends are coming up tonight.

Summer is treating me very well, come enjoy it with me!

summer bliss

Gorgeous apartment, RSF membership (free yoga classes), running in the hills, friends down the street, frisbee every night, easy job, good books, and fabulous friends. What more can I ask for?
That's right. NOTHING.

I am cooking, I am sleeping, I am reading, I am exercising, I am socializing, I am planning (but not too much), I am Living.

My skin is better, my temper is better, my health is better, and the list goes on.

My biggest problem right now is figuring out whether to put stuff on my walls or not. Life is so good.

OH. I went to the library, and I guess it doesn't open until noon, and there were 30 people standing outside waiting for it to open. Made my day. That's awsesome.

In other news, my cousin came today. In other other news, I lost a new bart ticket on the BART. :( But I read Ian McEwan's Enduring Love. It's sort of scary. Not in the horror sense, but in the people sense. One BART ride, one book. I'm liking this a lot.

So obviously, I'm not doing much this summer. So let me know when you're free and let's DO something. Tuesdays: Anna's Jazz Island Open Mike, Shattuck DownLow Karaoke. Frisbee every day. Fridays and Saturdays: Montero's $8 salsa lessons/dancing. Let's have FUN!

another update

6/4
ate lunch w/ the uncle

6/5
watched m:i:III, it was actually not awful.. i'm a little confused with the plot, but whatever
shopped at ny, ny (another mall)

6/6
went to three malls...
and bought four dvds and a cd
a deck of chinese poem playing cards
postcards

is $104 worth 20+ hours of my life? i'm thinking yes. oregon - here i come (i mentioned going to my mother, she didn't say no!)