Thanksgiving Weekend

Thanksgiving. Not the only time during the year we give thanks, I hope, but one that's easy to remember (so we thank at least once a year).

What I'm grateful for:

• the chances and opportunities that I have been given
• UCCE - the people I've gotten to meet and work with
  
• BareStage - my first love at Berkeley, my first good friends, my first involved extracurricular activity
  
• Women's Chorale - so I'm not REALLY singing this semester, but I love the organization and the director and what it tries to do, I hope next semester works out better for everybody
  
• attending UC Berkeley - a fine institution, even if I'm getting out early
  
• living an hour away from home - even though I don't make it home quite as much as I should, it's still nice that it's close
  
• piano lessons - I wanted to quit, they wouldn't let me; they wanted me to quit, I refused; glad I stuck with it
  
• flute lessons
• instruments to play on
  
• teachers, professors, and other adults - working with these people in all sorts of different capacities gives me an experience I'm not sure I can get elsewhere
  
• good friends - even if we don't always have time, I still know who I can count on
• the people I have met and loved (I don't usually do names, on account of privacy, but I am going to use initials... ask me with questions, but I'm sure you can figure out who you are):
• k.w. - gone are the days of hours of endless conversation, or silence, depending on the day, and I'll never forget the tumultuous days of our friendship. instead, though, now we have something great that has finally calmed down. for all the times I called you in tears, for all the times I called you in anger, for all the times I called you for directions, for all the times I called "just to say hi", thank you.
  
• i.f. - it's been a long time? foothill, redwood, saratoga... I can always count on you to provide me with a social life whenever we're home, the alternation of the fondue set, for being the friend who says "no more drama. but if there is, I have to be the first to know!" so I suppose I should apologize for having almost no drama recently, but maybe it's time for a break.
• s.b. - do I need to say more? you've met my friends, and you know you've been a good thing in my life. sometimes, life is mundane, and walking five minutes is all we have, and other times, we go on like the day will never end. I'm fortunate to have any of it at all, and simply really blessed to have all of it, as I do. I hope you can always tell how much I cherish what we have, because you deserve to know every day.
  
• and so many many more. little tidbits will come as life goes on, there is no order, there is no reason, only the fact that if I wrote everybody today, I'll never finish, but just so you know it's coming: sl, th, jc, ps, ek, ep, ek, ak, ac, dz, tl, mf, ay, gw, jj, jl, and the list goes on.
  

Onto the more mundane facts of life:

• Wednesday
• went home super super late
• somebody was cool enough to come get me
• though I did smell weed throughout my wait at the beautiful fremont bart station
• I finished a book! (Singing with the Top Down)
• Thursday
• ate the big feast with the family friends
• everybody's growing up!
• went to bed around 9pm
• Friday
• COSTCO
  
• picked him up from BART
• looked at the house
• walked around downtown, foothill elementary, saratoga high
• FONDUE
• Saturday
  
• saratoga bagels
• dim sum
• farmer's market
• dropped him and my sister off
• home for a bit
• airport with dad
• to berkeley
• Sunday
• stayed in all day on account of the rain

And that was the weekend.

Life is a Game

Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you don't play, you can't win.
- Robert Heinlein

Gotta play the game and give it at least one shot. It might not be the shot you practiced for all year, you may not have practiced it ever, but if you don't throw the damn ball, it will never go anywhere.

My biggest fear is getting too attached. And honestly? It's too late for that anyhow. But what's the point anyhow? To be morbid, I'm going to DIE sooner or later, and I'll have to leave everything I love. But does that mean I'm going to stop loving because I might one day not have it? Not chance.

Most things in the world are finite. Love isn't. And I will continue to pour it into everything I can.

Questions, Happily Ever After

Questions to consider:

Where do I want to live?
Options: same apt, new apt in Berkeley, home (Cupertino), close to job (biking/walking)
First Choice: something in Berkeley

What do I want to do?
Options (all dependent on GETTING the job): TFA, SF Symphony, ECYS, office work
First Choice: SF Symphony

I suppose those are the only big questions.
***************************************************************
It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.
- Margaret Bonnano

10 minute reflection on this:
"Ever after", much like "forever" and "normal", exist because they don't. I mean "ever after" and "forever" exists, but only when it happens, and by then it is now, and normal only exists because there are such extremes. You can't plan for happiness. One can make preparations, one can hope for the best, but if one lives in making these plans, one's current happiness will never be achieved. What happens six months from now is exactly that: something that happens six months from now. And that's something that cannot be controlled. What one CAN control are the choices one makes for tonight, for tomorrow, and what's the harm in making the choices that makes one happy?

Looking at the next couple months makes me so apprehensive. I don't know where I'm living, who I'm living with, what I'm doing, whether I like what I'll be doing, and many more uncertainties. But I can't worry about that. I need to focus on now: applying for the job (and worrying about it if I get it) and figuring out my options. I have no doubt that I can find a job that pays well enough to pay rent and food and little luxuries. I would love to be in Berkeley, but I'm afraid of staying for the "wrong reasons". But if it's my reason, why does it have to be wrong?

I want my parents to support what I do, where I live. I don't want them to permanently have bad feelings about where I'm living, why I didn't come home, along with other choices I make. At the same time, I feel like there are things I cannot talk to my parents about. Things they choose not to deal with, things they choose to ignore.

Really? I want to make my own choices and still be able to watch TV with my mother.

Feeling Thankful

I am lucky in so many ways. I will glory in that luckiness. Not shove-it-in-somebody-else's-face kind of glory, but in a I-appreciate-every-moment sort of glory. I will bask in the warmth of everything that is my life, that is everything that makes my life.

Day after Thanksgiving fondue. Fondue has become such a needed tradition. Just because we're in college doesn't mean we can't have fun without alcohol. Chocolate is amazing stuff. As are board games, both of our childhood and the newer games.

He's going to come visit. It's only a two days and one night. I want to show off my family, my friends, my hometown, even if I do have my issues with it.

Plan so far:
Fri: arrive, library?, downtown, dinner with the fam, fondue/games with the hs gang
Sat: farmer's market, lunch with the fam, sister to airport, dad to airport/return to berkeley

Hopefully, I'll have spent enough time with my parents to make this all okay. I'm all theirs on Thursday, so... Maybe I will be nice and stay until Sunday.

Missing everybody doesn't really hit me until I start talking to people about coming back, until I start planning for the get-togethers. Even if it seems like I'm fine not talking to everybody for such a long time, I do miss people, and count down until I go home to run into them at Safeway, at Tap-x, just driving around. It might be as much of "home" as it used to be, but it's still home. I still miss it.

This has been a good week. I've slept early, and gradually made my way over to the gym for pilates or yoga classes. I'm an hour late going to sleep, but hopefully I'll get my butt over to pilates tomorrow. ^.^

Thank you, everybody. For everything. I shall be more specific later, perhaps. For now, adieu, and good night.